DAY 10: Heavy Reactions To Facial Expressions

DAY 10: Heavy Reactions To Facial Expressions

One of the weirdest experiences for me is to find out that I've been living with personality disorder for some time. It is weird because the symptoms had become the norm. They were just parts of me that I would live out, and without knowing that I am living out symptoms. The symptoms just became the norm.

It is only when I watch more documentaries about BPD that I spot where I relate. I do have berried within me lots of memories where I have lived symptoms of BPD. I rarely access these memories and would prefer to just deny that I have been diagnosed. Living the statement ''BPD don't apply to me''.

When I watch these documentaries as they speak about the symptoms I feel this undeniable melting of a shell that I have around me. It is like someone is cracking down my walls by speaking with such relation, and as if they know me. Though, as I investigate more about BPD, I feel like it is under-researched.I would like to find out and understand a lot more about BPD. Such as, why is it so common among people who have had abusive upbringings. Oh man, the memories..

Anyways,

Now to today's point...

In one of the documentaries I listened to a women speak about experience heavy reaction to people just glancing at her. A person looked in her direction and it just ended up replaying in her mind over and over again as she took it really personally.

My last experience with this symptom was about 3 weeks back. I went across to the university to use the computers. I sat down at one of the computers and one of the regular people that I see often looked my way and then back to his screen. In that one moment of him looking at me I immediately took his look/blank facial expression very personally. I believed that his thoughts were that I am ugly or that he thinks I am dressed ugly. The look on the persons face was in my mind for about 4 - 5 minutes. I was just really pissed off that he looked at me. But, what I now am seeing was that I was pissed off at what I was creating assumptions of what he was thinking as he just looked over and looked back. For me, it was just like piercing knives as he looked at me. It made my whole experience there really uncomfortable.  It was only a physical expression of just looking over for merely a second, and turning back. But, yeah... for me like knives. It was something I blow up in my mind and made it a big problem.. to a point where I wanted to leave.

This is a prominent symptom of BPD. One look or one word and it is a trigger that sends you into a constant replay or constant unsteady reaction. It is kind of funny, but at the same time serious. I am not worried because these are things I can change with Desteni tools -- practical applications and stopping the thoughts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have assumed that this guy was judging me as he looked at me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take someone looking at me for a second as then to be judging my appearance

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to replay a look of someone's facial expression inside myself over and over again to think about what the person may of been thinking when looking in my direction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be pissed off about the guy looking my direction for merely a second.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create all different assumptions about myself to blame on another individual who had looked at me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in judgments about myself just because someone looked in my direction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take someone looking at me so personally to a point where I am fully uncomfortable and would like to leave.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume that this guy thought I was ugly

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume that this guy thought I was dressed ugly

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my own inner bullshit on someone else's facial expression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be pissed of about this guy looking at me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/desire to just remain invisible where no one looks at me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have not gone over to talk to the guy when I know his a regular and have seen him around before.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame this guy for the way that I felt in that moment.

i forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame this guy for what I was creating in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that this guy had something  personal against me just for looking at me with a blank expression for merely a second.

When and as I see myself going into reactions about someone looking at me - I stop and I breathe - I realize that the person is merely just looking and does not mean that they're judging me or thinking that I am ugly in some way... it is just merely someone expressing themselves by looking in my direction and looking away. It has no meaning to it whatsoever.