DAY 5: Change of Mind

DAY 5: Change of Mind

In my last blog I made an a decision to go with Education for my studies. In my decision I did not take consideration of my relationship to the system. I was making the decision to go with education so that I can try/attempt to create my tutoring business and well I did not consider the costs involved to start a business. I thought I could pull it off, but that would be disregarding my relationship to the system at the moment. It would require a lot of money, and a lot of work to create it.

I had to reconsider if this was the direction for me. In that process of reconsidering, I did get counselling books. I looked into counselling, and what that entails. I liked what counselling entailed. I seem to already understand what it means to be a counsellor. I have had personal experience with counsellors, psychologists, professional in community services, therapists, community welfare, and have done volunteer work in group therapies. With all that in mind, I have had an interest in the Mind itself. I think psychology, and counselling would be the best direction for me. I already have a way with people where I can get then to open up about... to talk...

As I read counselling and psychology books I am able to get the vocabulary necessary to help with myself too. I am not much exposed to words like guilt, anxiety, and grief when I read a book about education. Having this vocabulary helps me a lot with discovering more about myself. ''Where do I experience this word'' etc..

The people I have worked with in my volunteer experiences I could always relate to. It is more of the abusive sides to life. The domestic violence, sexual abuse, traumatic experiences, psychotic break-down, delusional thinking, LGBT, homelessness and I could be an advocate for BPD. I know where all the places are in my city where I could volunteer while I am studying to get that practical experience. I do think that psychology and counselling would be the best direction for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that my current relationship with the system is one where I cannot afford to create a business for myself.

I forgive myself that i haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that psychology and counselling would best help me with myself and help others in my community once I have completed my studies.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand my potential in these areas of study.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I would not make a good counsellor or psychologist

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that I can turn everything that I view as a 'weakness' into an absolute strengthen.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I could not help a person understand themselves more

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to devalue psychology and counselling as if it is about solving peoples problems when it is not about that

I forgive myself that i haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that psychology and counselling is about showing the person to themselves by just being a person to listen, and help them become the problem solvers to their own lives.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to avoid this discipline so that I do not have to deal with hearing other people's experiences that may relate to me.

DAY 4: Constant Change of Study/Career choice

DAY 4: Constant Change of Study/Career choice

Here I wanted to write about a symptom of BPD that I recognize in myself. Last night I read about another person who had related to this symptom. It was a serious piece of writing but I could not help but laugh as I had related to the point. The constant decision of changing ones direction of study/career. It is a pattern that I have been doing for years now. I did not know that it was a symptom of BPD until after I was diagnosed.

For the last 3 - 4 years I have been jumping into different courses. The courses would range from psychology, criminology, biomedical science, youth justice, TESOL, Education, IT, and Mathematics. All the decision to do the course started from a future projections or a goal that I wanted to live out. lol. All starting from an idea.

There were always personal circumstances that got in the way of my studies. I wasn't able to complete the units I chose. I'd either take on too much or I would lose interest in what I was learning after understanding what it involves. I did not know that this was effecting me until I was shown the consequences.

The University staff had recognised that I had been changing my mind a lot. On the computer she showed me the list of all the courses I have enrolled in. Some of then I had dropped out of and if you drop out you receive a fail which brings down my OP score. I then realized that I had to stop doing what I was doing.

I had opened up to her about my diagnosis. It was good of me to do that because she had told me about the student support that is offered to students. The type of support varies depending on your circumstances. She said that I would be eligible for the disability and mental illness support. It just means that I will get extra assistance/support with my studies. It is good to have a support network.

Aside from that, I wanted to share how it felts in myself when I see the shift change. The experience happens as a mind shift. I'd not know what i want to study and usually it is a toss between psychology and something else. I'd explore the study and make the decision to go with that. But two hours or even 3 hours I'd change my mind and start thinking about doing something else. That shift is where I go into all the information I know about education, and in education the future projections and endless possibilities of 'who I could be and what I could learn about education'. Another 2 hours later or the next day I'd go back to wanting to do psychology. It would happen with all sorts of disciplines.

What I do see in myself is a passion to learn more in my life. I enjoy learning different disciplines. Each one has it's own way of looking at the world and it's own vocabulary set. I did not just look at this from a point of it just being a symptom of Borderline Personality Disorder. I consider it to be just how ADHD is looked upon. You know, that kid who doesn't sit still in class as he has to sit and listen to someone talk for hours at school. What I mean here is, as I did my research and read about people experience this I saw that they had a passion and drive to try out everything. A passion and drive to be skilled at everything they do. I didn't want to call this a symptom. I just think that the school systems need to change to allow for people to be skilled at various disciplines rather than just the one.

I do think that people should be able to study different courses to up-skill themselves. The only problem here is that education costs a lot of money. So, in the process of me wanting to study different discipline, I am accumulating debt. Whether or not it is a symptom, with the current education system designed the way it is, I do have to select just one to stick with it. It would be better of financially just to pick one and stick to it. I have decided to go with Education. Psychology is cool but, I do not want to sort out people's problems for them. Education will benefit for the business I want to create. Education is something I am passionate about.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that with the current educational system the way it is, I cannot study everything that I want to study, and have to stick with one to obtain a certificate.

I forgive myself that i haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I am going to have to just stick with one discipline

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly change my direction of study to live out ideas, and future projections that I create without any real practical basis for me to be able to go through with these ideas and future projections.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to jump into courses suddenly without putting great time into doing lots of research and asking myself if this is something I really want to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the shift in myself of what I want to do as a career in my life

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to rush my study choices.

I forgive myself that i haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that courses cost money in the current system.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to participate in various ideas and future projections that I have when I think about studying a particular discipline.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to have future projections of myself studying the discipline without considering my current circumstances, the amount of effort, and the time it will take to actually achieve the outcome I want.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that no matter what I choose to do, I will put my all into, and that will determine the outcome.

When and as I see myself participating in the shift between two disciplines - I stop and I breathe - I realize that I have chosen to do Education for myself, and I can see how this will be beneficial for my future goals.

I commit myself to see through with the chosen degree for the next 3 years.

DAY 3: Seeing who/how I've been towards others

DAY 3: Seeing who/how I've been towards others

I look at some people on Facebook and experience some guilt come up. I feel this guilt come up because of how I have been to a few people. My words to some people on my Facebook have not always been in a kind manner or clear from emotion.

I do recognise the pattern that starts these overwhelming experiences. It is an accumulation of points that come to play through participation of fears. In the past, I was under certain requirements that I would strongly disagree with but feel powerless against, and it always contributed to me reacting. The powerlessness would be so strong that I did not know what else to do but to just break down or just ask for what it is that I wanted. It was always the memories of what other people would say, and how far I had to go to get where I wanted to be.

There was never any guarantee back then to if I was going to get to the point I wanted to be at.  So, I always felt like I had a longer way to go. I did not understand the full sphere of why it was in obligation for me to do what I had to so that I could reach where I wanted to be. It always felt like an obligation. It never really felt freeing or one where I could just relax. It was really hard on me.

So, I would just crack to the person who was working with me. Later on I would regret having done this. I had no real trust with this person so it did not help working with them. I would ask for ways to build the trust but the people I was working at the time, did not have the time to build it. I understand that they did not have the time but it would have been beneficial for me.

What I am seeing is there is a level of distrust with the people I work with. The distrust is a big factor in my emotional states. I did think, ''this person is lying to me'', ''This person is not going to stay true to their word'', and the thinking would lead me to be more distrusting.

The distrust was because of past experiences working with some people. It hasn't been so easy for me to trust these people since then. Regardless  of that, it is a symptom of BPD where I become more paranoid and think that they're against rather than with me. Because of this I have not really been able to relax, and say ''Ok, I trust this persons word''... ''This person is going to keep to their word'...

It is only recently that I have come to relax about it. I voiced what was going on in my mind about me thinking that the person is a liar. Once I was reassured, it was ok. I do feel like there is some trust there. That people will keep to their words. I do still experience some to the pattern of being paranoid, and thinking that these people are against me rather than with me even after being reassured. I do shrug it off, and dismiss it as just my paranoid thinking, and is not valid now. But, I do think that without doing self-forgiveness on these emotions they do build.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience guilt about my past emotional outbursts with people that I worked with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the people for the emotions that come up in me when I see them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that these people are not working with me but are working against me

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be paranoid about people not keeping to their words

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed about my past emotional outbursts in front of people that I worked with

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel powerless while working with the people that were helping me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to distrust the people that I am currently working with.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I do not need to place all my trust in others, but a trust to know that they will keep to their words, and anything that I am not sure of, can be brought back to myself, written down, looked at, and brought to my own conclusions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the people I am working with will go back on their words.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I will not get to where I want to be

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that for me to get to the point I want to be at, I need to be in the moment, and just enjoy it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stress about not getting to where I want to stress getting to the point I want to be at.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my symptoms of paranoia determine who/how I will be when working with people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the past is going to reoccur with the people that I work with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to rush to get to the point I want to be at.

When and as I see myself experiencing guilt when I see people on my Facebook - I stop and I breathe - I realize that It is better to move on then to be stuck in guilt of past behaviours.

When and as I see myself experiencing paranoid thinking about these people being against me - I stop and I breathe - I realize that I have been reassured by another person's words that I will get to the point of where I want to be, and so I just have to relax, continue writing, and just be.

DAY 2: Stigma around Borderline Personality Disorder

DAY 2: Stigma around Borderline Personality Disorder

I did my research on the stigma around BPD. Personally, I do not take stigma to be something I am afraid of. If a person judges me for having BPD or has a negative attitude about BPD then it is a problem within themselves. From what I have read, people with BPD have had traumatic experiences in their lives. I've had a lot of traumatic experiences in the past and if I spoke to people about it, then I am sure they'd understand why I have the diagnosis. But overall, stigmatisation of any mental illness is never a cool thing. It does not help to understand the diagnosis itself or even assist/support the person. Best to just prepare oneself for doing research on it, and investigate people's personal experiences with it.

When I said that I do not see stigma as something to be afraid, I mean't that I do not fear what people who are not close to me think of BPD. I have experienced some fears & anxieties about sharing it with people who are close to me. I become afraid that they will see me as someone who is not normal, not ok to be around, someone who needs serious help, and be locked in a mental health ward. I do fear this being judgments that are said or thought by people close to me.

That is the thing about stigmas around mental illnesses or mental disorders. They think the person who has been diagnosed with it are ''crazy'' people. Most people with mental disorders and mental illness that I've come across are the most caring, and quite stable people. This may be off topic, but it is the same for stigmas around people with disabilities.. such as Down-syndrome. A lot of people with mental illness.. mental disorders, and disabled are very much stigmatized. I am not saying that some people who have a mental illness or mental disorder are all stable. In most cases, you probably would not see the most unstable people who are suffering from a serious mental illness out and about. I am sure they would be in care... Getting the necessary assistance/support to be stable again. I think in today's society we can lack the understanding needed to change the way we look at people who have disabilities, mental illness .. mental disorders. We certainly do not lack the knowledge/information around disabilities and mental illnesses for people to understand them. So, if you're seeing yourself stigmatize anyone with a disability or mental illness, I suggest you do your research on what it is you're stigmatizing.

Now for self-forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what a family member will think of me after finding out that I have a diagnoses of BPD

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I am crazy because I was diagnosed with BPD

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that a family member will just discard me because I was diagnosed with a BPD

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear people not understanding the symptoms of borderline personality disorder

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear people thinking that I am not normal

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my mental health professionals turning me away because BPD is an untreatable disorder.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that even know in the professional world they believe there is no cure, I can in fact, take responsibility of my own symptoms through writing self-forgiveness, and changing how I look at my symptoms -- the whole BPD itself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe that I am a lost cause because there is not cure in the medical world or the mental health world.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that it takes me in this to help work on the symptoms to help me change from being the symptoms to stepping back, and realizing that I do not have to be the symptoms of BPD.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that change takes time.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear the stigma attached to BPD.

When and as I see myself being afraid of what the stigma around BPD - I stop and I breathe - I realize that any type of negative attitude that is a result of stigma is only effecting the other individual, and has nothing to do with me. The only thing I can assist/support with is helping them understand some of the symptoms of BPD, and what has caused these symptoms. That all really. If there is still a negative attitude, then it is up to them to deal with this themselves.

DAY 1: Borderline Personality Disorder

DAY 1: Introduction

I will start by answering the question 'What is Borderline Personality Disorder?'...

Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is a serious mental illness that centers on the inability to manage emotions effectively. The disorder occurs in the context of relationships: sometimes all relationships are affected, sometimes only one. It usually begins during adolescence or early adulthood.

www.borderlinepersonalitydisorder.com

I first discovered what Borderline Personality Disorder was about 7 months ago. It was the very day that I was diagnosed with BPD. I went into see the psychiatrist to find out if I had schizophrenia because I did exhibit a lot of emotional behaviours and mental instability. Once I was diagnosed I had to do my research on BPD.

In the process of reading the symptoms I could relate to them all. There was not one that I did not relate to. What makes BPD more serious is the fact that it is a combination of schizo-effective along with characteristics of other disorders. It can be a real mess. I do not think that people should take Borderline Personality Disorder lightly.

As I go into more of my personal experiences with BPD, I want to say that I do not look at having BPD as something to blame. If I were to blame the disorder or my symptoms of the disorder I would be abdicating responsibility of ME. The point of this whole blog is to take responsibility for the symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder. The diagnosis is really a list of symptoms that gives me a criteria to work with.


The only real effective treatment for people with Borderline Personality Disorder is psychotherapy. Psychotherapy has helped me a fair amount. But a tip here is to not go looking to the psychologist for a cure for Borderline Personality Disorder because there is no cure. You just become more understanding of it, and learn to work with it.

In saying that there is no cure for it, I have not walked a process that focuses specifically on it in writing. So, we will see what happens as I begin a second attempt at my BPD Journey to Life. Who knows what could happen.

Thanks for reading.