DAY 18: Assistance and Support

DAY 18: Assistance and Support

Today I have an appointment with the school about receiving extra assistance/support. The appointment will be about how the BPD symptoms may impact on my studies. Making this appointment was hard for me and took some time to make. There are a bunch of factors behind why it was difficult for me.

One of those factors is fear of judgement from the person I am speaking with. I find that when I open up about my thoughts, my patterns, and what goes on within me, I fear the person judging me as 'mental'. This is why I do not often enjoy opening up, and have learned to cope with everything myself.

Another factor is fear that the other person will not believe that this is really what goes on within me. How this effects my behaviour is that then I over-do it. I feel like I have to be this sad, helpless, and nonintellectual person who needs people to bare all the weight. It is not really the case, I am very much a person who enjoys to be left alone, and do things on my own. I could spend hours a day with myself.

I do spend hours with myself. I really enjoy spending hours learning something new. I have wanted to condition myself to learning something new each hour. What I learn I want to apply in my world/reality. Somehow, getting myself condition to do that can be somewhat difficult. I have resistances that can win but I am learning to push past them. What goes on within me does not impact on my studies. What impacts on my studies is my resistances, lol. Being direct with myself here, I'd have to say that everyone goes through resistances. The common-sense approach would be to push through them. If you push then one-step closer to the goal. It is about persistence, and perseverance.

The only problem that I do find I would need assistance/support with is working/dealing with people. To be frank, my mind is sensitive.. The way it is designed, and through-out all the experiences I've had, it has become that way. It is just all about how to correct myself, and learn to work with it all. What makes it very sensitive is the way I perceive and what I project out. It can be a cluster of points together in one. But, at times what really gets me is the energetic reactions. That can be my downfall in overwhelming moments. Honestly, anyone can be stable if they learn about the functions and the way their mind works. If you pick your mind apart, you'll see how it works and functions that way it cannot fuck with you anymore. Big sigh of relief as I realize that it is possible. I know that I am going to invest a lot of my time to observing my Mind, and how it works, and functions --- It's just like getting to understand something, and as I do that, I become less afraid of it. --- Then I interested to see what is behind all the working and functionings of my Mind. If I start applying and being practical about it all, what is going to be left behind? That who am I?  OK, I went off topic...

I am not going to say that I do not need assist/support, and I am not going to say that I do. I am just going to be upfront, and say that I do have difficulties connecting with people, and my Mind is fairly sensitive at the this time. I am learning to work on changing it, and I will probably need outside assistance/support with this at times. Ahh, which reminds, I have to push myself to ask for assistance/support when I have come to a point where I cannot solve something myself. I am not a person that likes to make it easier on myself. I prefer to go the extra miles, and then if I desperately need assistance/support, then I'll ask. I am not sure if that is wrong or right... In truth, I don't know the consequences, I just like to push myself to my limits. I've for some reason found comfort in that. I don't like it to be too easy for me. I find easy is something that I do not enjoy. I've been brought up in difficult situations, and it has really been challenging. So, I have come accustomed to challenges. Again, off topic, but yeah, I am going to just be direct and honest about the what I know of my Mind so far.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what the person I will be speaking with will think of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being open and direct about issues I have with connecting with people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear people seeing me as 'mental'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have to become this sad, helpless, nonintellectual person when explaining some of the difficulties I have with my Mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear speaking about these difficulties.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear people not seeing me as someone who needs/requires assistance/support with connecting with others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear asking for assistance/support when I really need it.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to expect people to bare all the weight of me.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I am still learning how my Mind functions, operates, and am learning to deal/work with it all.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I am needing/requiring to put more time into learning about my mind so that I can work on changing it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that it will take time, but it will be a very interesting journey.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see the potential in learning about how my mind functions and operates.

When and as I see myself fearing people judging me for being open and honest about what the workings of my mind - I stop and I breathe - I realize that knowing and working on changing how the mind is fucking-with me, is very powerful and rewarding because I get to live to my utmost potential.

I commit myself to push myself to ask for assistance/support if I cannot find solutions or answers after I've gone the extra mile.

DAY 17: Healthy Boundaries

DAY 17: Healthy Boundaries

This morning was my driving lesson with my driving instructor ''Person A''. I met Person A on my first driving lessons two years ago. To make me feel comfortable he spoke about himself, and his background. It was obvious to why he was a driving instructor.

He has a lot of experience with cars. I had changed my driving instructor but now I have Person A again. I am very happy to have Person A because of his experience. What he knows is very valuable, and I can see he is very different to the other driving instructors. In this lesson today we had again spoke about our personal lives. lol. For a driving lesson you would not think that it wouldn't be so personal but because of the depth of the communication it was fairly personal. It was personal but not in a way where it wasn't professional either. It helps me to become comfortable when I am learning to drive. Talking about my personal life and his personal life makes it much more comfortable when driving. I can tell it relaxes me at times.

What I have noticed within  myself is a tendency to over-step boundaries in my Mind. Thoughts will come up that are pictures and fantasizes of being with a someone in a professional positions with me. This is very well-known in BPD. That tendency to go into that area of over-stepping the boundaries and continuance of perpetuating thoughts or fantasizes then wanting to act them out. It is why some therapists sometimes have difficulties with BPD clients.

For me, I do understand professional boundaries and their importance. I do notice that these are thoughts within myself, and should not be projected out or acted upon in any way whatsoever. The thought is very minor but here, I want to take care of this thought, and expose it. I expose it before I let it become a continuance, overpower me, something I keep within secrecy for my own energetic feel goo experiences, become possessed by, act out and start blaming my instructor for all of it. Luckily that has not happened before with someone in a professional position. But it has in a personal one.

It is always best to expose the thought even if it is only a minor one. Especially if it is one that YOU KNOW will have consequences that you don't want. The consequences in this case, obsessive thinking, creating various assumptions, projecting all of it onto someone else, and then end up blaming the other person and/or pushing them out of ones life for what I did not take responsibility for one thought that I chose to enlarge, and swirl in my Mind. So, professional boundaries are important it does not mean that one cannot talk on personal matters but just making sure that one does not allow the mind to wonder into that sex and relationship thoughts. Because that is not what people in professional positions are their for. Be more specific, keep focused on the purpose. Mine here - Is learning to drive.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to have gone into those thoughts of considering sex and relationship with my driving instructor.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to perceive that my instructor is telling me all this personal information because he wants a partnership with me

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that my driving instructor is using a 'get-to process' that is helpful for me learning to drive, and becoming comfortable with him in my presence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that working with my driving instructor is not about forming a personal relationship, but more so about building a professional friendship to assist/support me to learn to drive and to do it comfortably.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to have pictured myself and my driving instructor as very compatible to be in a relationship.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only want to have the personal conversations with my instructor rather then him guiding me, teaching me about driving, observing my where I need to improve, and sharing information about the driving test.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be more comfortable with my driving instructor talking about his personal life rather than sharing what he knows about driving.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that the purpose for my driving lesson is to learn  more about driving.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that the driving lesson is not about getting to know the depth of someone, but rather about me learning to drive.

I forgive myself that i haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that being aware of the way the conversation is going will help me to change the topic when necessary if it is too personal, and not enough on knowledge/information required for learning to drive.

When and as I see myself going into sex an relationship thoughts about my driving instructor - I stop and I breathe - I realize that the purpose of me going to these lessons is to learn to drive, perfecting my driving skills, and become more comfortable within the expression of driving.

I commit myself to be aware of the way the conversation is going and to change it to assist/support myself to keep it above the surface level so that I can assist/support my learning.

DAY 16: Obsession: Fixation

DAY 16: Obsession: Fixation

It was months ago that I had a fixation and obsessive pattern with Person A. It did die out when I was no more speaking/talking with Person A. I did not have a proper understanding of this pattern when Person A was in my life, and therefore I did not know how to really stop the thoughts. I did some writings on it back then but proved to not be able to fully stop it. I continued with the participation of the fixation and obsessive thoughts.

The way it all starts is when I begin to think about a person too much. Take Person A for example, Person A was someone in my life who did have ups and downs. They were very open with what they were going through, and sometimes I did think heavily about 'what would be best for Person A?'.. I'd think and care about Person A so much that I would think about the best directions for them in their life. I'd become an over-thinking type of person and I'd waste so much time thinking about what is best for them that I forget myself. On-top of it all, and this is something people in Desteni would get/understand, I created an idea of Person A in my mind, and I started seeing Person A as that Idea.

I did then start becoming obsessed and fixated with this idea of the person. Mixed in with care and regard for the REAL person. I was projecting my idea of someone out onto them, and becoming obsessed and fixated through the positive energy that I would get. Completely blurring reality, and the real person out of the way. Once I cannot anymore handle all the fixated and obsessive thoughts, I then want to push out Person A, and all other people/relationships because I cannot handle my mind.

You see, the obsession and fixation about certain people is never healthy. It is what drains me where I do not want relationships with people. It is a mixture of accumulated factors but the core of it is obsession, fixation, worry, and anxiety. These are not healthy in relationships with people. I've lost many relationships because of the accumulation of Mind-fuck stuff that I participate in. Person A being one of them. I've come to the conclusion that now, I am not going to have any relationships until I clear myself of these points, and work with myself a great deal more. I am not saying that I will not stop communicating with people, but the communication will always be objective, and not entirely personal. It has come to a much needed point where I have to correct my mind, learn about how to work with it, and really start making changes for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fixate on Person A so much so that I am in a constantly in my mind thinking about all the possible scenarios that could happen.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fixate and obsess about Person A to generate positive energy to feel good and to blind me from reality.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to participate in worries about Person A.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to obsess about Person A

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created an idea of Person A in simulated version of Person A in my mind to do whatever the hell I want with Person A.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to Idolize Person A in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry so much about the life events that Person A faces

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to continue participating obsessive and fixated thoughts where I can no longer stand it and end up pushing the person out of my life.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to push people out of my life to protect my obsessive and fixated thought patterns.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continue to obsess and fixate on people

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to drain myself dry by participating in obsessive and fixated thoughts.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that it is best for me to focus on myself now as I am learning to work with my mind

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that it is best that I do not seek or go after person relationships with people other than who I have in my life currently.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that it is now time to focus on myself and learn about relationships through what Desteni has on offer, so that I can learn to work with myself for future relationships with people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in fixated thoughts of the idea of Person A.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I am not ready for so many personal relationships in my life at this time.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that it is going to take some time before I am ready to have more people in my life on a personal level.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I can use the time that I have to work with myself and take it much slow when it comes to socialising with others on personal levels.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to drain myself dry through constantly worrying and over-thinking about other people's life and what is good for them.

I forgive myself that i haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I need to start thinking about what is best for me, and what would be great for me in my life.

When and as I see myself fixating and/obsessing about other people and their lives - I stop and I breathe - I realize that it is important to focus on changing myself and my own life rather than that of others, and/or expecting them to come save me or me save them.

When and as I see myself blaming others for my own state of Mind - I stop and I breathe - I realize that I am responsible for that exists within my own Mind - and if, in that moment I am experiencing the heavily blame, I walk away to go breathe it away, and not say words within blame, worry, and/or fear.

I commit myself to practice being more disciplined with breathing.

DAY 15: Obsession: Blowing Things Up Into Bigger Problems

DAY 15: Obsession: Blowing Things Up Into Bigger Problems

Watching a documentary the other day about BPD there was mention of obsessing about minor situations to a point where they become big problems. I have noticed that is seems to be what I do every single day. I see a problem in my world/reality and I'd obsess about it. I constantly think about it. Even if it is a minor little problem -- To me it is huge. To me it looks like a years worth of struggle. A minor point that does not need to be thought about, will be thought about until it becomes a problem. I think myself into problems, and I start creating problems for myself then I'll obsess over that problem until it is solved. I create a massive dilemma for myself. lol.

I can see it just adds more stress to my life. It can even be past related problems that are not happening in the present. Life isn't about creating problems for oneself like I see myself do. Problems that are so minor and do not need thought at all.

It is what happens when we constantly think about something over and over again. We give it attention to the point where it becomes big and we cannot ignore it. We know very little about how the mind works (not speaking about Desteni here) the general population we are not taught about how to work with the Mind. We are the Mind so we need to know much more about how it works. I know that by me obsessing over little minor points and problems, I screw with myself, and it is all on a mental level that involves the Mind. So, I realize that it is important to just let go of small stuff that don't even need thinking about. Not worth mental effort in anyway whatsoever. I need to make decisions about what is worth it the effort and what is not. Otherwise I am wasting a large chunk of my time obsessing over small, minor, little things that I turn into big problems that only put more pressure on myself.

I realize that I have to decide what is worth my time and effort and what is not.
I realize that the Mind is not something to just fuck around with.
I realize that I can make breathe away thoughts that I are not beneficial for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to obsess over minor little things that happen in my life to the point where I make so big where it seems so surmountable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to turn something that is not a problem into a problem

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to screw with myself by obsessing over little minor conflicts, little minor thoughts, and turning them into massive dilemmas that I go off trying/attempting to solve but end up creating more problems for myself.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to obsess over small stuff in my life.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I do not need to stress or obsess over minor little things that are not worth my time or effort.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to obsess over conflict

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blow thing out of proportion.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to add stress onto myself by sweating over the small stuff.

When and as I see myself obsessing about minor little things in my daily living - I stop and I breathe - I realize that I do not need to sweat the small/minor little things.

When and as I see myself turning a minor little thing into a big problem - I stop and I breathe - I realize that it is not worth the time nor the effort or the consequences to my body.

DAY 15: Obsession: Obsessive Thoughts

DAY 15: Obsession: Obsessive Thoughts

I've known about my tendency to become obsessed for years now. I do believe that I've defended my obsession tendency through-out those years. I have not wanted to change or take responsibility for my own obsessive points. My obsessive tendency can really take and drain a lot of me so it very much one prominent problem.

My recent secret obsession is not really that secret. I did come out many months ago about my obsession. I told two individuals about what was going on in my mind around the obsession, and I guess it wasn't identified as obsession but more defined as me liking the person and a want/desire to be with them as partner. This is actually not the case at all. The obsession is very much a symptom of the BPD.

Thoughts that lead me to start this obsession begins with not standing equal to what I find attractive in another person. Say if I see a word within them that they're living, and I do not stand equal to it, then I will constantly obsess about that one word that I see, and want to then have the person in my life with me.. So I can then have that word. But, sometimes I cannot have the person the way I want them because of a variety of factors that are considered.

So, as a result it turns into a total obsession. It consists of all the fantasies, and all the desires. It really builds up to the extent where I want to push the person out of my life. I have taken responsibility for it in the past, but I didn't look at other ways of understanding it. For example, as I said, the finding what I like about this person, and stand equal to it.

My want to push the person away happened recently. I could stand my own obsessive thoughts about the person. I wanted to push the person a little, and find reasons to push the out of my life so that my obsession stops. But that isn't the person I want to be. I know that I am trying/attempting to blame others and not take responsibility for what is coming up within my mind.


What I have realized is that it is not the person to blame for the obsession.
What I have realized is that I am responsible for my own mind
What I have realized is that I need to stand equal to what I find attractive in others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to obsess over Person A

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fantasize, in many ways, about Person A

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to stand equal to and one with what I find attractive in Person A

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/desire to push Person A out of my life, so that I do not have to take responsibility of the obsession point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame Person A for what is going in my own mind - as the thoughts that come up within me.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to find ways to push Person A into acting/behaving in ways that could be conflicting so that I can have a reason to push Person A out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep myself in a constant obsession without ever investigating what could be done to stop the obsession.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that standing equal to and one with words that I see in others, will assist/support me to gift that part of myself back to me so that I do not project any ''missing parts'' of me out onto others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have not been open and honest with Person A about what was going on within me.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to take the easy way out by pushing people out of my life

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that what comes up in me, is mine to take responsibility of.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in continuing the obsession

When and as I see myself going into fantasize about Person A - I stop and I breathe - I realize that the best way to assist/support myself and Person A is to let go of all the obsessive thoughts.

When and as I see myself feeling attracted to Person A - I stop and I breathe - I realize that whatever word that I saw in Person A, I will need to stand equal to and one with, so that I can give that part to myself.

When and as I see myself feeling attracted to anyone - I stop and I breathe - I realize that whatever word that I see in that person, I will need to stand equal to and one with, so that I can live that word, and strengthen it for myself.

DAY 14: Experience Of Break-downs

DAY 14: Experience Of Break-downs

I haven't done a great deal of research when it comes to BPD just yet. I do regularly spend time watching BPD documentaries. The documentaries have doctors explaining BPD, and people who are sharing their experience of their own BPD symptoms. Documentaries are not all. I have invested time into reading up about BPD on websites, and talking to people who have BPD. The other way I learn about BPD is paying attention to myself. There is a lot of ways to looking at the cluster of BPD symptoms.

I like looking for the commonalities. The one commonality that I hear mentioned the most is that people who are diagnosed with BPD have had traumatic events in the past. I can understand this point as I relate to it. There is another symptom that stands-out in me that I've noticed. It is the regular break-downs.

The regular break-downs are caused by past traumatic memories. The memories can come up at any time to 'haunt' a person. This can severely lead to regular break-downs and constant shock. It is like a continuance of reliving a traumatic past event that has not been dealt with or taken care of. It is the process of still trying to cope with traumatic events that has happened, and that still effect the individual even to present moment. What tends to happen, specifically with myself, is that I will try suppress it more so that I do not have to deal with, but that just creates more difficulty, and comes up later on where another break-down will happen. It will then be a constant cycle of break-downs because of the traumatic events that continuously shock myself and I pretty sure it can be the same for other individuals who constant break-downs due to past traumatic events. So, these events if not dealt with or brought the surface and worked with it, then it will be very difficult for the individual to move on from it.

It needs to be dealt with in therapy sessions and in lots of writings to help oneself get through the traumatic past events that have truly effect and traumatized an individual to the point of continuous break-downs in their own lives. I haave seen the break-downs in one other person that I was told may have BPD. This person was severely molested as a child, and still faces those traumatic events in her own life now.

I guess as a child we don't tend to understand what is going in those times. So, growing up we become more understanding of what has been done, and then we start questioning ''How could someone do that to me'', and it is in the case of most people. It feels like you're really a victim of what other people or a person has done to you in your life. Those experiences are re-lived constantly with us if we do not seek therapy and/or write about these events to help ourselves stop the constant arising, and constant reliving of trauma in our lives.

Thanks for reading.

DAY 13: Biting Off More Than I Can Chew

DAY 13: Biting Off More Than I Can Chew\

A pattern that I've noticed is my tendency to take too much on. It is a common pattern that I see in people who have Borderline Personality Disorder. I had the pleasure of meeting a young girl who is around 17 - 19 who had was diagnosed with BPD. She has had traumatic events happen in her life, and is still facing not being roofless but homeless. We work together when volunteering.

We had related a lot to what we have been through in our lives. She is staying where I had stayed when I was homeless. This place is not the best place to be and I would not recommend that a person stay there too long. This person volunteers a lot of her time to helping others, and ending being really stressed out because she's taken on too much in her life. So, the pattern is very common in people who have borderline personality disorder. It was like looking in a mirror at myself. lol.
This is why I wold like to start up a BPD support group in my city eventually... So we can just all get together and laugh at the things we get ourselves into, and spread some awareness of the symptoms itself.

Where I experience this patten is around volunteering and studies. I want to volunteer all of my time through-out the week at different organisations. This is ok because it gets me out of the house where I do not want to be most of my day. I'd have more learning experience in volunteering and learning more about myself. It is all good. However, what I did when it comes to studies, was I took ok 4 units of study and only a month + a bit to complete about 8 assessments/assignments + having to look after myself.. The studies required a lot of my time, and I didn't really have much time to complete it all. One of the reasons this pattern kept occurring in my life is because I did not think for a solution to the problem itself. When I actually thought ''What can be done here?'' I realized that I need to take it much slower with studies. I cannot take so much on when studying because it takes up the majority of my time.

What would happen when this pattern occurred in the past is I would go into blame rather than taking responsibility to look for an actual solution. That is also common among people who have BPD. I'll write about this point for my next blog

So, now I am having to start studies again next semester so that I am not biting off more than I can chew. Thankfully, it isn't costing me anything to re-start again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take off more than I chew when it comes to studies

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to select more units than I can complete in a short amount of time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take on too much work and studies at the same time when I require a balance all sphere of my life.

I forgive myself that i haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I need a healthy balance when it comes to time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put myself in a position where I am a constant work horse to the point where I am stressed out

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stress myself out by taking on too much.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to go into blame rather than looking for a real solution to the problem.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want to blame others for me taking on too much and having to let go of my diploma for this semester to continue it in January.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go back into past events to blame the current problems that I am facing where I do not take self-responsibility of the pattern in the here and now.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not think of solutions when there is a problem.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize/see/understand that I need to make sure that I have enough time before taking on too much for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel disappointed in myself for having taking on to much

I forgive myself that i haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that january is not too long away.

I forgive myself that i haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I need to take studies more slower so that I am not rushing myself and them becoming something I do not enjoy because of the time they consume.

When and as I see myself going into blaming past events and others for a problem that I face in the here and now - I stop and I breathe - I realize that I am the only that really solve the problem into a solution -- So that I can make sure that I am correcting the problem and not blaming.

DAY 12: All Or Nothing Thinking

DAY 12: All Or Nothing Thinking

All Or Nothing Thinking/Black and White thinking.

This is one symptom of BPD that I have noticed in me when working with people. It does not come out with people at my Volunteer jobs but a person that I am working with to go into a personal development course. I get into a state where I start to want everything to hurry up, and I go into an eagerness to want the whole process to move faster. As it doesn't go as fast as I want it to I do have lots of backchat about the other person.

The all or nothing thinking comes to play here. The all or nothing backchat. It is triggered when I feel like someone is holding me back. I would be in such a hurry to get out of the situation with the person and be in my personal development course where I do not have to work with the person as I feel like they hold me back and are against me in that thought.

The way it manifests in my behaviour is through constantly wanting everything to move faster. To hurry the other person to get what needs to be done.. done so I can move closer to going into my person development course. I do really get eager about it, and if the process is not going at my pace then I just want to get rid of the individual. It causes a bit of conflict between me and the other person.

I'd really work myself into the state as I get so impatient. I'd start complaining about the other person being to slow, and imagine being in my personal development course without having to be in the situation. As I imagined it I felt at ease.

This individual has been working with me through it all. I've come to realize that the person is not against me. I'd not believe much of what the person would say and just believe mostly what the backchat that was coming up. But as a due consequence of behaviour about 2 days ago, I am realizing had I listened to the individual, and applied what this person said, then I may not have said or did what I had done.

This individual is really encouraging for me in my process so it is very important to me to know that someone does believe in me and see's that I do have it within me.

I've realized that it is important to listen and take consideration of what this individual says to me.

It is what happens when we start to believe backchat that comes up in our minds. It can mentally consume us that ends up manifesting out in certain behaviours that can up being consequential. I am very lucky and fortunate that this individual is willing to stick with me and work with me for my process. That is very important and I am now ready to listen more. .

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that this individual is against me and holding me back from getting into the personal development course.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that this individual is working with me to be able to go into my personal development course.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have not listened or considered this individual's words which could have potentially helped, assisted/supported me and prevented me from making more consequences for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to listen more to what my backchat is saying

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the backchat ''I can't wait to get out of this situation and continue on with my personal development course'' to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to complain about the other individual's pace when working with me

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to be patient about moving into the course

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have to backchat about this individual being against me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume that this individual is against me when the obvious is that the person is with me working with me and helping me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disregard what this individual was saying to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rush this individual

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/desire to cut this individual out of my life because of feeling like I am being held back

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that this individual was trying to slow me down.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to misinterpret what this individual mean't when saying slow down.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to listen to my all or nothing backchat

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe my all or nothing backchat

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that this individual is working with me not against me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have paranoid thoughts about this individual being against me and holding me back

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine being without the assistance/support in my personal development course.

When and as I see myself having all or nothing backchat - I stop and I breathe - I realize that the individual is working with me to assist/support me to help me go into my personal development course not to sabotage it or go against me.

When and as I see myself going into this eager and impatient state - I stop and I breathe - I realize that It doesn't matter how slow we/I go, We/I will get there and it will be worthwhile.

DAY 11: Difficulties Trusting Myself

DAY 11: Difficulties Trusting Myself

I am working to move situation X in the direction that I want it to go in. To move situation x into that direction I've had to work with people. It has not been easy for me to work with people around Situation X, and I do have difficulties still with it. One big difficulty is the difference of pace.

My day-to-day living pace is a fairly fast pace. I get what I need doing out of the way as quick as possible. I am like this at my work too. I like to move problems into solutions very quickly where this is not more a problem existent. When there is a problem I tend to stress out about it until it is moved into the solution.

I'll find all sorts of ways to solve the problem even if I am pushing myself to my limits. If I have to leap over large obstacles that are in my way then I'll have to do it. This is in the case of problems that effect me on a great extent. Other problems that are not that big of a deal, I just leave them until I have time to do them.

Situation X has been one of the large ones for me. I've wanted to solve Situation X for years but have had to depend on other people to assist/support me in moving Situation X into the direction that is most preferable for me. This has not been very easy for me to do.

It has not been very easy because I do consider myself a very independent person. I like doing everything on my own with little dependency on another individuals. In the past when I was very dependent on people they've always backstabbed, betrayed and expected something in-return for the help they've given me. There is multiple factors to why I do not really enjoy being dependent on people. I am the type to just want to be the one to assist/support myself because I feel like I cannot trust people as results of past experiences.

It is not just the other person I cannot trust. What I have learned of myself so far is that I do have a very sensitive mind. My reactions are a lot more intense then others, and I am learning how to work with that. But as my sensitive mind I can be gullible to my own emotions/feelings. If people knew that about me I do think that I'd be very easy target for them. It is something I rarely show, unless it comes out in a way where it's expressed but not shown from the intensity of the feeling/emotion itself. Therefore, sometimes I find it very hard to trust myself. I am very particular about who I work with because of that. Not just for the safety of them but for myself. That is from the personal sides to it.

If I am working with someone in a work environment then it is entirely different. I am not needing/requiring to be personal or talk much about my personal life. It is like I am safe under the blanket of the role I am to maintain. Nothing is really that personal. There is cases where I can talk about myself but on such a surface level that I am not showing me. I can word it in a way where it is not in-depth and remain a positive outlook. Which can give the past a positive glow rather than the actual experiences I've had which were not very easy.

With Situation X my way of wanting to work was in such a way where I do not need/require to be personal but still could be personal just at my decided level. There were ways where I could just simply keep my blanket on where I need not show myself enough to form a connection or bond. To some, it may sound very self-sabotaging but for me and the many past experiences it has helped me through a lot of situations.


The more I progress in solving Situation X I am to go through more stuff to solve it. One of the new ones now is that I am to form communication with a person who is to assist/support me with my writings, and then with my course. So, solving situation X is about forming communication and opening myself up to receiving assistance/support with my writings. Now, it is just about trusting when working with the person so that I can make sure that past event/situations do not reoccur.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being somewhat dependent on another individual for support in my process

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having to communicate on personal matters with another person who is to support me in process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/desire to sabotage the point of communication by only keep it on a level where I am still able to hide myself, and not have to form any type of communication other than what we discuss about the writings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being back-stabbed again

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being betrayed again

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I can work on building trust with myself so that the chances of being back-stabbed, and betrayed are at minimal risk.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that the individual I'll be working with is there for support.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel upset about having to work with someone without having the course material to speak about.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear myself being gullible.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I can determine what I do with the assistance/support.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume people who are working with me on Situation X are out to get me rather than in the best interest of assistance/support.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the blanket that I use to hide myself slipping off of me and revealing most of my very sensitive mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that I can take responsibility for my sensitive mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my sensitive mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my intense emotions/feelings

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear past experiences happening all over again.

DAY 10: Heavy Reactions To Facial Expressions

DAY 10: Heavy Reactions To Facial Expressions

One of the weirdest experiences for me is to find out that I've been living with personality disorder for some time. It is weird because the symptoms had become the norm. They were just parts of me that I would live out, and without knowing that I am living out symptoms. The symptoms just became the norm.

It is only when I watch more documentaries about BPD that I spot where I relate. I do have berried within me lots of memories where I have lived symptoms of BPD. I rarely access these memories and would prefer to just deny that I have been diagnosed. Living the statement ''BPD don't apply to me''.

When I watch these documentaries as they speak about the symptoms I feel this undeniable melting of a shell that I have around me. It is like someone is cracking down my walls by speaking with such relation, and as if they know me. Though, as I investigate more about BPD, I feel like it is under-researched.I would like to find out and understand a lot more about BPD. Such as, why is it so common among people who have had abusive upbringings. Oh man, the memories..

Anyways,

Now to today's point...

In one of the documentaries I listened to a women speak about experience heavy reaction to people just glancing at her. A person looked in her direction and it just ended up replaying in her mind over and over again as she took it really personally.

My last experience with this symptom was about 3 weeks back. I went across to the university to use the computers. I sat down at one of the computers and one of the regular people that I see often looked my way and then back to his screen. In that one moment of him looking at me I immediately took his look/blank facial expression very personally. I believed that his thoughts were that I am ugly or that he thinks I am dressed ugly. The look on the persons face was in my mind for about 4 - 5 minutes. I was just really pissed off that he looked at me. But, what I now am seeing was that I was pissed off at what I was creating assumptions of what he was thinking as he just looked over and looked back. For me, it was just like piercing knives as he looked at me. It made my whole experience there really uncomfortable.  It was only a physical expression of just looking over for merely a second, and turning back. But, yeah... for me like knives. It was something I blow up in my mind and made it a big problem.. to a point where I wanted to leave.

This is a prominent symptom of BPD. One look or one word and it is a trigger that sends you into a constant replay or constant unsteady reaction. It is kind of funny, but at the same time serious. I am not worried because these are things I can change with Desteni tools -- practical applications and stopping the thoughts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have assumed that this guy was judging me as he looked at me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take someone looking at me for a second as then to be judging my appearance

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to replay a look of someone's facial expression inside myself over and over again to think about what the person may of been thinking when looking in my direction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be pissed off about the guy looking my direction for merely a second.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create all different assumptions about myself to blame on another individual who had looked at me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in judgments about myself just because someone looked in my direction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take someone looking at me so personally to a point where I am fully uncomfortable and would like to leave.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume that this guy thought I was ugly

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume that this guy thought I was dressed ugly

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my own inner bullshit on someone else's facial expression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be pissed of about this guy looking at me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/desire to just remain invisible where no one looks at me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have not gone over to talk to the guy when I know his a regular and have seen him around before.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame this guy for the way that I felt in that moment.

i forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame this guy for what I was creating in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that this guy had something  personal against me just for looking at me with a blank expression for merely a second.

When and as I see myself going into reactions about someone looking at me - I stop and I breathe - I realize that the person is merely just looking and does not mean that they're judging me or thinking that I am ugly in some way... it is just merely someone expressing themselves by looking in my direction and looking away. It has no meaning to it whatsoever.

DAY 9: Very Sensitive: Constructive criticism, Advice, and Feedback

DAY 9: Very Sensitive: Constructive criticism, Advice, and Feedback

Being very sensitive is common among people who have BPD. I watched a documentary with a women who experienced being very sensitive to people who are to inform her about something. It could be advice about their personal circumstances, and/or constructive criticism. No matter what it is - If the individual feels pressured or like they're being attacked - they just get upset.. it's taken so personally. Often the people on the opposite end feel like they cannot say anything in fear of that person becoming upset. I relate to this a lot.

I've started to become more aware of how strong my reactions can be when people say things to me. They're like big jolts of energy that are somewhat intense, and the only way to really let it go is to breathe in that moment.

Here - This point is going to be about constructive criticism, advice, and feedback.

There has been a consideration for weeks about how I am going to take constructive criticism, advice, and feedback about my writings and/or in work situations. It has not just been a consideration it is a fear of how I am going to feel about it. A fear of my own reactions , fear of taking things personally, a fear of taking it to heart.

Next week I am to start my volunteer work at an organisation. I am at this organisation going to be given a lot of directions. I'll be working with young girls of school age, admin work, and working with youth. The role is one that won't come without it's challenges. Here I am going to have to make use of all of the constructive criticism, feedback, and advice so that I can be the best I can be in the work role. If I let my emotional reactions get the better of commonsense then I won't survive in that role.

It works the same for assistance/support with my writings. If I am not using commonsense when it comes to receiving constructive criticism, advice, and feedback from people who have years of experience - Then I won't survive in that position. Constructive criticism, feedback, and advice from experienced people in a specific field or study is merely just information that is designed to assist/support for considerations and to make improvements were necessary.

It is my job to look at the information to find where I can apply it/live it to assist/support myself in process and/or volunteer role.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear receiving constructive criticism, advice, and feedback.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the reactions that are going to come up in moments of receiving constructive criticism, advice, and feedback.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself very harshly when I receive constructive criticism, advice, and feedback.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel worthless when someone give me constructive criticism, feedback, and advice.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to interpret someone give me constructive criticism, advice, and feedback to mean that I am not good enough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear taking what is said to heart.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that constructive criticism, feedback, and advice is about making improvements not about self-victimization.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dislike others giving me constructive criticism, feedback and advice.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can grow without receiving outside assistance/support with people who have had experience in a particular study, and/or field.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that people can be mirrors to ourselves.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that in organisations they have a specific way of working, and if advice is given for improvements then it is up to me to apply those changes that meets the needs of the particular organisation in a best for all perspective.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my emotional reactions overpower my commonsense.

When and as I see myself reacting to someone giving me constructive criticism, advice, and feedback - I stop and I breathe - I realize that the information that this individual is giving me is for me to take into consideration, and find where I can apply it in my own life/living so that I can improve.

When and as I see myself going into self-victimization after receiving constructive criticism, feedback, and advice - I stop and I breathe - I realize that constructive criticism, feedback, and advice does not mean that I am worthless, not good enough, or anything in that way - It about pointing out things that I may not recognize of myself, and making improvements there.

I commit myself to take consideration of the information that is giving to me as constructive criticism, advice, and feedback.

DAY 8: Taking it personally

DAY 8: Taking it personally

My relationships with people in the past have not always ended on good terms. Most of them have just ended in ways where there is nothing one can do to save it or rebuild it. The relationships do not just end because of my responsibility it but also the other persons responsibility, and given the nature of the conflict.

In my friendships with people I always make sure that I am of assistance/support to the best of my ability. I do not deliberately try/attempt to hurt people or even want conflict to arise in friendship and/or relationships. In the past it really has been just a one conflicting moment defining the whole entire friendship. It could come from my end or the other person's end. Some people have chosen to just not speak with because I had decided to go a different direction in life. Where I had not really done anything all that wrong but a decision to just cease being friends is made by the person. When I see this happen I seem to take it personally.

When people cease communicating with me or block me I take it very personally. I question why this or why that. I go back to look at who/how I've been towards them, and sometimes I just see someone who is being very assistive/supportive. What I find is that I am happy with who I have been with people who choose to cut me off. I start to look at things i've done, and who I have been through-out the friendship. The goods by far, out weigh the bads.


I would often just beat myself down, blame myself, and be upset about relationships going down the drain. But, all in all, when I go back through memories, I do see that I've done the best I could in the situations/events that I had been facing. Even in events where I needed/required assistance/support... I did my best with what I knew during those time to get the assistance/support I needed/required, and when it comes to friendship it's the same.

Dealing with relationships are by far the hardest situations I've been in. What people do not know about me when they meet me is my history. My history only starts to come out later on in the friendship. When I meet people I would beautify my past and make it seem less severe then it was. I do not like sharing my history because it does have a lot of nitty gritty so it is sometimes left unsaid.

Some people do not necessarily need to know my past but knowing the past may give some understanding as to why I am the way I am. Even for me to look back at my past, and to find out how I got to being where I am is interesting to look at. First and foremost, is that I am still new to relationships. I have only been socialising with people outside of my family for 5 years. I have only been in the system for 5 years.

In these 5 years I have had to get over a lot of fears and phobias of people to just start socialising. The people I lived with for most of my life did not give much of a great development process that would help me in life, and so that had also caused a lot of effects. 5 years ago I knew nothing about how the different systems in the world operated.... I did not even know that Universities existed... I had no prior education... I learned to read and write on virtual chat sites, and had the vocabulary of gamer. Entering the system and relationships without any real valuable skills at all.... Hasn't been very fun. Bound to make a hell of a lot of mistakes, and most detrimental to my own life. On top of that.... Yes, there is more, on-top of that it has I experience a nasty break-down that was contributed by a lot of actors, but even then I still have to through it, alone.... But wait there's more.. then I get diagnosed with BPD... I end up homeless due to being mentally unstable, and then I lose the most valuable thing in my life that turns my life at a 180... All down hill from there..

Through-out all that having to deal with myself, and of course, survival.. the system.. hasn't been easy.

So, when people cut-off from me I should not take it personally. I do have to cut myself a lot of slack because of my history. I know my history but they never did. In that regard, you know. I am beginning to realize that I am learning, and some relationships are going to end, some are going flourish.. It just depends on who I am, and who the other person is.

What else will assist/support is the eqafe interviews. I am someone who does require to learn how to work with people. There are books, desteni, and eqafe. So, that is what I will be focusing on predominantly. 'How to to work with people'.. Developing relationship skills. That way it won't always feel like I am balancing plates that are stack up so high, and one false move will just ruin everything.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly blame myself for people who choose to cut/cease/end the communication with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for past relationships going wrong.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be so hard on myself for relationships not going in a way where everyone is happy

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it personally when someone choose to cut/cease/end the communication with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dwell on people people choosing to cease/end/cut of communication with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put myself through some much emotional turmoil about having made a few mistakes when it comes to relationships.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be sooooo damn hard on myself when it comes to relationships

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be so fragile about one thing going wrong in a relationship

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be upset about individuals choosing to not speak to me ever again

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for individuals choosing to not speak with me ever again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dwell on individuals not wanting to speak to me, have a friendship with me, and/or anything to do with me.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for individuals not wanting to have a friendship with me.

I forgive myself that i haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I do require/need to investigate more on who to work with people, myself, and relationships as a whole.

When and as I see myself blaming myself about how relationships went in the past - I stop and I breathe - I realize that blaming myself will not change how it happened, or bring the relationships back. All I can do is learn from those situations/events and make sure that I do not make the same steps as I did in the past.

When and as I see myself complaining about someone who has chosen not to speak to me - I stop and I breathe - I realize that it is that individuals choice to not speak with me -- I cannot force that individual to speak to me, I can just focus on me, and make sure that events/situations to not reoccur again.

I commit myself to read books, listen to eqafe interviews to help me develop relationship skills, to help me work with people.

DAY 7: The Stigma of Therapy

DAY 7: The Stigma of Therapy

The other day I was speaking on the phone with another person. They explained to me that the experiences that they were facing were too much to handle. What they were going through was really too much to handle and they required/needed outside assistance/support to help work through these points. The person had told me that they've decided to seek professional help.

When this was said to me I absolutely supported it. On that level I opened up about me going to see a psychologist to get more self-understanding. I felt a little embarrassed opening up about this to with the person and I later questioned it. It was that fear of being seen as crazy because I go see a professional.

Many people believe that professionals work with crazy people. It is not always the case. The main clients that professionals have are people who are dealing with divorce, chronic work related stressors, depression, bullying and all other kinds of events/situations where people need/require professional assistance/support with. Those who seek professional assistance/support are not crazy.

There is a stigma around psychologists too. That they're brainwashing or manipulating people. I remember a few people have called psychologists the crazy ones, and the one's require/needing help. That is not true. Psychologist's are ordinary people too. lol. Just with skills and knowledge of how to work with a different states of mind. Never underestimate them either.

I remember when I first met my psychologist. It was last year that I had needed/required assistance/support to help me work through stuff that was going on within me. I made the appointment, and I was there on the day to meet my psychologist. I had never met my psychologist before-hand so I did not know what to expect. They are all different.

When I first laid eyes on my psychologist I did not want to work with the person. The thought that came up within my mind was ''I don't want to dish my problems to someone who is in a wheel chair''. But that was whacked out of the way with commonsense. Not to define someone by their outer appearance. I couldn't base my psychologist's ability of being a professional on them being in a wheelchair. So, that immediately changed who I was going to be with this person. I would have to say ever since then and the following sessions that I have had with my psychologist have been great. It is a very enjoyable experience to talk to someone about ... anything really... I get advice and we have a few laughs. My psychologist is my professional friend. That's basically it.

All in all, the experience with the psychologist is what you make of it. It does not mean you're crazy or their is something wrong with you. It just means you're working to assist/support yourself with outside perspectives. What better way to do that then with someone who has had training to do that, and best of all, you get a better self-understanding -- as it is all about you.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being seen as a crazy person because I go see a professional.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being labelled a crazy person because I go see a professional.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel embarrassed about going to see a psychologist

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to underestimate the ability of professionals

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that only people who have severe mental issues need/require professional assistance/support.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that therapy is only for people who have mental illnesses

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that going to see a psychologist makes me a weaker person in society.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that lots of people go to see professionals for a lot of different reasons.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that seeking professional help is not a good/bad thing, it is just about getting outside self-understanding of points that one faces, and needs assistance/support with.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that seeking professional help is for more self-understanding.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that the professional assistance/support is what I make of it.

When and as I see myself being afraid to share the point of seeing a professional - I stop and I breathe - I realize that going to see a professional will help me with self-understanding on points that I would like to understand more, and that the sessions are what I make of them.

DAY 6: Subservient

DAY 6: Subservient

I have investigated where I have been living the word subservient. I began living this role from a young age. It was around the age of 11 years old. At the age of 11 was when I started being the one to care for my disabled brother. I only cared for him at night whilst the person who cared for us worked night shift. I am not sure why this person did not find a qualified babysitter and/or qualified carer but I do remember that we did not have much money coming in so that could have been why. In any case, it was me that took up the role of caring for him overnight.

It did continue through-out but only really became expectant of me when I became a teenager. There is when I started to have to give up a lot of my life to be a carer. School was not a focus in my life and when I did try focus on school I was not met with kind attitudes. So, I just became what was expectant of me. To care for my brother at the expense of my own life. This continued for many years even reaching a point where I could define myself as a slave. To get me to that point I did go through a lot of psychological abuse etc.. I got out of it when I was 18 years old... But, that was the beginning of my subservient role.

The rest of my relationships after that was doing the same thing just within a different environment. It was really all I knew. It was again done a year ago, and now just this year. I put myself in a subservience role where I start just become and living as a subservient to people. This is why most of my relationships fail.. Because I become subservient... even to a point where people begin to expect me to remain the same... To be there personal therapist, to clean their house, to be that person who does most of the work, and forget about what they want to do for themselves.

An interesting pattern that I see when I break the relationship or I do want to play that role anymore, is that control that I have given to the person over me, goes haywire. The person loses control over me, and starts going off like a raging lunatic. So - It was interesting to see this pattern existent as a result of me placing myself in that subservient position.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be subservient in relationships

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that in relationships, the level of responsibility, for the most part, is very much equal.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that being subservient in relationships opens one up to a dysfunctional relationship

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/desire to become and do everything that I am expected to do/be in relationships.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall back into old habits of being a subservient to other people to maintain relationships.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that being a subservient person is all I know how to do in relationships.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to to not see/realize/understand that I do require/need to understand more of what a relationship involves before having one.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be/become the subservient person in relationships.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that being subservient is all I am good for in relationships

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have taken on the subservient role to keep everyone else happy

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to give up on my own life by becoming this subservient role

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on what I would like for myself, what I know is best for myself to remain as a subservience role.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget who I am and what I want for myself only to replace it with a subservient role.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget myself and only want to be subservient to others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have relationships on the starting point of being subservient.

DAY 5: Change of Mind

DAY 5: Change of Mind

In my last blog I made an a decision to go with Education for my studies. In my decision I did not take consideration of my relationship to the system. I was making the decision to go with education so that I can try/attempt to create my tutoring business and well I did not consider the costs involved to start a business. I thought I could pull it off, but that would be disregarding my relationship to the system at the moment. It would require a lot of money, and a lot of work to create it.

I had to reconsider if this was the direction for me. In that process of reconsidering, I did get counselling books. I looked into counselling, and what that entails. I liked what counselling entailed. I seem to already understand what it means to be a counsellor. I have had personal experience with counsellors, psychologists, professional in community services, therapists, community welfare, and have done volunteer work in group therapies. With all that in mind, I have had an interest in the Mind itself. I think psychology, and counselling would be the best direction for me. I already have a way with people where I can get then to open up about... to talk...

As I read counselling and psychology books I am able to get the vocabulary necessary to help with myself too. I am not much exposed to words like guilt, anxiety, and grief when I read a book about education. Having this vocabulary helps me a lot with discovering more about myself. ''Where do I experience this word'' etc..

The people I have worked with in my volunteer experiences I could always relate to. It is more of the abusive sides to life. The domestic violence, sexual abuse, traumatic experiences, psychotic break-down, delusional thinking, LGBT, homelessness and I could be an advocate for BPD. I know where all the places are in my city where I could volunteer while I am studying to get that practical experience. I do think that psychology and counselling would be the best direction for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that my current relationship with the system is one where I cannot afford to create a business for myself.

I forgive myself that i haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that psychology and counselling would best help me with myself and help others in my community once I have completed my studies.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand my potential in these areas of study.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I would not make a good counsellor or psychologist

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that I can turn everything that I view as a 'weakness' into an absolute strengthen.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I could not help a person understand themselves more

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to devalue psychology and counselling as if it is about solving peoples problems when it is not about that

I forgive myself that i haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that psychology and counselling is about showing the person to themselves by just being a person to listen, and help them become the problem solvers to their own lives.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to avoid this discipline so that I do not have to deal with hearing other people's experiences that may relate to me.

DAY 4: Constant Change of Study/Career choice

DAY 4: Constant Change of Study/Career choice

Here I wanted to write about a symptom of BPD that I recognize in myself. Last night I read about another person who had related to this symptom. It was a serious piece of writing but I could not help but laugh as I had related to the point. The constant decision of changing ones direction of study/career. It is a pattern that I have been doing for years now. I did not know that it was a symptom of BPD until after I was diagnosed.

For the last 3 - 4 years I have been jumping into different courses. The courses would range from psychology, criminology, biomedical science, youth justice, TESOL, Education, IT, and Mathematics. All the decision to do the course started from a future projections or a goal that I wanted to live out. lol. All starting from an idea.

There were always personal circumstances that got in the way of my studies. I wasn't able to complete the units I chose. I'd either take on too much or I would lose interest in what I was learning after understanding what it involves. I did not know that this was effecting me until I was shown the consequences.

The University staff had recognised that I had been changing my mind a lot. On the computer she showed me the list of all the courses I have enrolled in. Some of then I had dropped out of and if you drop out you receive a fail which brings down my OP score. I then realized that I had to stop doing what I was doing.

I had opened up to her about my diagnosis. It was good of me to do that because she had told me about the student support that is offered to students. The type of support varies depending on your circumstances. She said that I would be eligible for the disability and mental illness support. It just means that I will get extra assistance/support with my studies. It is good to have a support network.

Aside from that, I wanted to share how it felts in myself when I see the shift change. The experience happens as a mind shift. I'd not know what i want to study and usually it is a toss between psychology and something else. I'd explore the study and make the decision to go with that. But two hours or even 3 hours I'd change my mind and start thinking about doing something else. That shift is where I go into all the information I know about education, and in education the future projections and endless possibilities of 'who I could be and what I could learn about education'. Another 2 hours later or the next day I'd go back to wanting to do psychology. It would happen with all sorts of disciplines.

What I do see in myself is a passion to learn more in my life. I enjoy learning different disciplines. Each one has it's own way of looking at the world and it's own vocabulary set. I did not just look at this from a point of it just being a symptom of Borderline Personality Disorder. I consider it to be just how ADHD is looked upon. You know, that kid who doesn't sit still in class as he has to sit and listen to someone talk for hours at school. What I mean here is, as I did my research and read about people experience this I saw that they had a passion and drive to try out everything. A passion and drive to be skilled at everything they do. I didn't want to call this a symptom. I just think that the school systems need to change to allow for people to be skilled at various disciplines rather than just the one.

I do think that people should be able to study different courses to up-skill themselves. The only problem here is that education costs a lot of money. So, in the process of me wanting to study different discipline, I am accumulating debt. Whether or not it is a symptom, with the current education system designed the way it is, I do have to select just one to stick with it. It would be better of financially just to pick one and stick to it. I have decided to go with Education. Psychology is cool but, I do not want to sort out people's problems for them. Education will benefit for the business I want to create. Education is something I am passionate about.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that with the current educational system the way it is, I cannot study everything that I want to study, and have to stick with one to obtain a certificate.

I forgive myself that i haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I am going to have to just stick with one discipline

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly change my direction of study to live out ideas, and future projections that I create without any real practical basis for me to be able to go through with these ideas and future projections.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to jump into courses suddenly without putting great time into doing lots of research and asking myself if this is something I really want to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the shift in myself of what I want to do as a career in my life

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to rush my study choices.

I forgive myself that i haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that courses cost money in the current system.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to participate in various ideas and future projections that I have when I think about studying a particular discipline.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to have future projections of myself studying the discipline without considering my current circumstances, the amount of effort, and the time it will take to actually achieve the outcome I want.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that no matter what I choose to do, I will put my all into, and that will determine the outcome.

When and as I see myself participating in the shift between two disciplines - I stop and I breathe - I realize that I have chosen to do Education for myself, and I can see how this will be beneficial for my future goals.

I commit myself to see through with the chosen degree for the next 3 years.

DAY 3: Seeing who/how I've been towards others

DAY 3: Seeing who/how I've been towards others

I look at some people on Facebook and experience some guilt come up. I feel this guilt come up because of how I have been to a few people. My words to some people on my Facebook have not always been in a kind manner or clear from emotion.

I do recognise the pattern that starts these overwhelming experiences. It is an accumulation of points that come to play through participation of fears. In the past, I was under certain requirements that I would strongly disagree with but feel powerless against, and it always contributed to me reacting. The powerlessness would be so strong that I did not know what else to do but to just break down or just ask for what it is that I wanted. It was always the memories of what other people would say, and how far I had to go to get where I wanted to be.

There was never any guarantee back then to if I was going to get to the point I wanted to be at.  So, I always felt like I had a longer way to go. I did not understand the full sphere of why it was in obligation for me to do what I had to so that I could reach where I wanted to be. It always felt like an obligation. It never really felt freeing or one where I could just relax. It was really hard on me.

So, I would just crack to the person who was working with me. Later on I would regret having done this. I had no real trust with this person so it did not help working with them. I would ask for ways to build the trust but the people I was working at the time, did not have the time to build it. I understand that they did not have the time but it would have been beneficial for me.

What I am seeing is there is a level of distrust with the people I work with. The distrust is a big factor in my emotional states. I did think, ''this person is lying to me'', ''This person is not going to stay true to their word'', and the thinking would lead me to be more distrusting.

The distrust was because of past experiences working with some people. It hasn't been so easy for me to trust these people since then. Regardless  of that, it is a symptom of BPD where I become more paranoid and think that they're against rather than with me. Because of this I have not really been able to relax, and say ''Ok, I trust this persons word''... ''This person is going to keep to their word'...

It is only recently that I have come to relax about it. I voiced what was going on in my mind about me thinking that the person is a liar. Once I was reassured, it was ok. I do feel like there is some trust there. That people will keep to their words. I do still experience some to the pattern of being paranoid, and thinking that these people are against me rather than with me even after being reassured. I do shrug it off, and dismiss it as just my paranoid thinking, and is not valid now. But, I do think that without doing self-forgiveness on these emotions they do build.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience guilt about my past emotional outbursts with people that I worked with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the people for the emotions that come up in me when I see them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that these people are not working with me but are working against me

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be paranoid about people not keeping to their words

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed about my past emotional outbursts in front of people that I worked with

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel powerless while working with the people that were helping me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to distrust the people that I am currently working with.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I do not need to place all my trust in others, but a trust to know that they will keep to their words, and anything that I am not sure of, can be brought back to myself, written down, looked at, and brought to my own conclusions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the people I am working with will go back on their words.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I will not get to where I want to be

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that for me to get to the point I want to be at, I need to be in the moment, and just enjoy it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stress about not getting to where I want to stress getting to the point I want to be at.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my symptoms of paranoia determine who/how I will be when working with people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the past is going to reoccur with the people that I work with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to rush to get to the point I want to be at.

When and as I see myself experiencing guilt when I see people on my Facebook - I stop and I breathe - I realize that It is better to move on then to be stuck in guilt of past behaviours.

When and as I see myself experiencing paranoid thinking about these people being against me - I stop and I breathe - I realize that I have been reassured by another person's words that I will get to the point of where I want to be, and so I just have to relax, continue writing, and just be.