DAY 10: Heavy Reactions To Facial Expressions

DAY 10: Heavy Reactions To Facial Expressions

One of the weirdest experiences for me is to find out that I've been living with personality disorder for some time. It is weird because the symptoms had become the norm. They were just parts of me that I would live out, and without knowing that I am living out symptoms. The symptoms just became the norm.

It is only when I watch more documentaries about BPD that I spot where I relate. I do have berried within me lots of memories where I have lived symptoms of BPD. I rarely access these memories and would prefer to just deny that I have been diagnosed. Living the statement ''BPD don't apply to me''.

When I watch these documentaries as they speak about the symptoms I feel this undeniable melting of a shell that I have around me. It is like someone is cracking down my walls by speaking with such relation, and as if they know me. Though, as I investigate more about BPD, I feel like it is under-researched.I would like to find out and understand a lot more about BPD. Such as, why is it so common among people who have had abusive upbringings. Oh man, the memories..

Anyways,

Now to today's point...

In one of the documentaries I listened to a women speak about experience heavy reaction to people just glancing at her. A person looked in her direction and it just ended up replaying in her mind over and over again as she took it really personally.

My last experience with this symptom was about 3 weeks back. I went across to the university to use the computers. I sat down at one of the computers and one of the regular people that I see often looked my way and then back to his screen. In that one moment of him looking at me I immediately took his look/blank facial expression very personally. I believed that his thoughts were that I am ugly or that he thinks I am dressed ugly. The look on the persons face was in my mind for about 4 - 5 minutes. I was just really pissed off that he looked at me. But, what I now am seeing was that I was pissed off at what I was creating assumptions of what he was thinking as he just looked over and looked back. For me, it was just like piercing knives as he looked at me. It made my whole experience there really uncomfortable.  It was only a physical expression of just looking over for merely a second, and turning back. But, yeah... for me like knives. It was something I blow up in my mind and made it a big problem.. to a point where I wanted to leave.

This is a prominent symptom of BPD. One look or one word and it is a trigger that sends you into a constant replay or constant unsteady reaction. It is kind of funny, but at the same time serious. I am not worried because these are things I can change with Desteni tools -- practical applications and stopping the thoughts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have assumed that this guy was judging me as he looked at me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take someone looking at me for a second as then to be judging my appearance

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to replay a look of someone's facial expression inside myself over and over again to think about what the person may of been thinking when looking in my direction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be pissed off about the guy looking my direction for merely a second.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create all different assumptions about myself to blame on another individual who had looked at me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in judgments about myself just because someone looked in my direction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take someone looking at me so personally to a point where I am fully uncomfortable and would like to leave.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume that this guy thought I was ugly

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume that this guy thought I was dressed ugly

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my own inner bullshit on someone else's facial expression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be pissed of about this guy looking at me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/desire to just remain invisible where no one looks at me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have not gone over to talk to the guy when I know his a regular and have seen him around before.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame this guy for the way that I felt in that moment.

i forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame this guy for what I was creating in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that this guy had something  personal against me just for looking at me with a blank expression for merely a second.

When and as I see myself going into reactions about someone looking at me - I stop and I breathe - I realize that the person is merely just looking and does not mean that they're judging me or thinking that I am ugly in some way... it is just merely someone expressing themselves by looking in my direction and looking away. It has no meaning to it whatsoever.

DAY 9: Very Sensitive: Constructive criticism, Advice, and Feedback

DAY 9: Very Sensitive: Constructive criticism, Advice, and Feedback

Being very sensitive is common among people who have BPD. I watched a documentary with a women who experienced being very sensitive to people who are to inform her about something. It could be advice about their personal circumstances, and/or constructive criticism. No matter what it is - If the individual feels pressured or like they're being attacked - they just get upset.. it's taken so personally. Often the people on the opposite end feel like they cannot say anything in fear of that person becoming upset. I relate to this a lot.

I've started to become more aware of how strong my reactions can be when people say things to me. They're like big jolts of energy that are somewhat intense, and the only way to really let it go is to breathe in that moment.

Here - This point is going to be about constructive criticism, advice, and feedback.

There has been a consideration for weeks about how I am going to take constructive criticism, advice, and feedback about my writings and/or in work situations. It has not just been a consideration it is a fear of how I am going to feel about it. A fear of my own reactions , fear of taking things personally, a fear of taking it to heart.

Next week I am to start my volunteer work at an organisation. I am at this organisation going to be given a lot of directions. I'll be working with young girls of school age, admin work, and working with youth. The role is one that won't come without it's challenges. Here I am going to have to make use of all of the constructive criticism, feedback, and advice so that I can be the best I can be in the work role. If I let my emotional reactions get the better of commonsense then I won't survive in that role.

It works the same for assistance/support with my writings. If I am not using commonsense when it comes to receiving constructive criticism, advice, and feedback from people who have years of experience - Then I won't survive in that position. Constructive criticism, feedback, and advice from experienced people in a specific field or study is merely just information that is designed to assist/support for considerations and to make improvements were necessary.

It is my job to look at the information to find where I can apply it/live it to assist/support myself in process and/or volunteer role.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear receiving constructive criticism, advice, and feedback.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the reactions that are going to come up in moments of receiving constructive criticism, advice, and feedback.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself very harshly when I receive constructive criticism, advice, and feedback.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel worthless when someone give me constructive criticism, feedback, and advice.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to interpret someone give me constructive criticism, advice, and feedback to mean that I am not good enough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear taking what is said to heart.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that constructive criticism, feedback, and advice is about making improvements not about self-victimization.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dislike others giving me constructive criticism, feedback and advice.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can grow without receiving outside assistance/support with people who have had experience in a particular study, and/or field.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that people can be mirrors to ourselves.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that in organisations they have a specific way of working, and if advice is given for improvements then it is up to me to apply those changes that meets the needs of the particular organisation in a best for all perspective.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my emotional reactions overpower my commonsense.

When and as I see myself reacting to someone giving me constructive criticism, advice, and feedback - I stop and I breathe - I realize that the information that this individual is giving me is for me to take into consideration, and find where I can apply it in my own life/living so that I can improve.

When and as I see myself going into self-victimization after receiving constructive criticism, feedback, and advice - I stop and I breathe - I realize that constructive criticism, feedback, and advice does not mean that I am worthless, not good enough, or anything in that way - It about pointing out things that I may not recognize of myself, and making improvements there.

I commit myself to take consideration of the information that is giving to me as constructive criticism, advice, and feedback.

DAY 8: Taking it personally

DAY 8: Taking it personally

My relationships with people in the past have not always ended on good terms. Most of them have just ended in ways where there is nothing one can do to save it or rebuild it. The relationships do not just end because of my responsibility it but also the other persons responsibility, and given the nature of the conflict.

In my friendships with people I always make sure that I am of assistance/support to the best of my ability. I do not deliberately try/attempt to hurt people or even want conflict to arise in friendship and/or relationships. In the past it really has been just a one conflicting moment defining the whole entire friendship. It could come from my end or the other person's end. Some people have chosen to just not speak with because I had decided to go a different direction in life. Where I had not really done anything all that wrong but a decision to just cease being friends is made by the person. When I see this happen I seem to take it personally.

When people cease communicating with me or block me I take it very personally. I question why this or why that. I go back to look at who/how I've been towards them, and sometimes I just see someone who is being very assistive/supportive. What I find is that I am happy with who I have been with people who choose to cut me off. I start to look at things i've done, and who I have been through-out the friendship. The goods by far, out weigh the bads.


I would often just beat myself down, blame myself, and be upset about relationships going down the drain. But, all in all, when I go back through memories, I do see that I've done the best I could in the situations/events that I had been facing. Even in events where I needed/required assistance/support... I did my best with what I knew during those time to get the assistance/support I needed/required, and when it comes to friendship it's the same.

Dealing with relationships are by far the hardest situations I've been in. What people do not know about me when they meet me is my history. My history only starts to come out later on in the friendship. When I meet people I would beautify my past and make it seem less severe then it was. I do not like sharing my history because it does have a lot of nitty gritty so it is sometimes left unsaid.

Some people do not necessarily need to know my past but knowing the past may give some understanding as to why I am the way I am. Even for me to look back at my past, and to find out how I got to being where I am is interesting to look at. First and foremost, is that I am still new to relationships. I have only been socialising with people outside of my family for 5 years. I have only been in the system for 5 years.

In these 5 years I have had to get over a lot of fears and phobias of people to just start socialising. The people I lived with for most of my life did not give much of a great development process that would help me in life, and so that had also caused a lot of effects. 5 years ago I knew nothing about how the different systems in the world operated.... I did not even know that Universities existed... I had no prior education... I learned to read and write on virtual chat sites, and had the vocabulary of gamer. Entering the system and relationships without any real valuable skills at all.... Hasn't been very fun. Bound to make a hell of a lot of mistakes, and most detrimental to my own life. On top of that.... Yes, there is more, on-top of that it has I experience a nasty break-down that was contributed by a lot of actors, but even then I still have to through it, alone.... But wait there's more.. then I get diagnosed with BPD... I end up homeless due to being mentally unstable, and then I lose the most valuable thing in my life that turns my life at a 180... All down hill from there..

Through-out all that having to deal with myself, and of course, survival.. the system.. hasn't been easy.

So, when people cut-off from me I should not take it personally. I do have to cut myself a lot of slack because of my history. I know my history but they never did. In that regard, you know. I am beginning to realize that I am learning, and some relationships are going to end, some are going flourish.. It just depends on who I am, and who the other person is.

What else will assist/support is the eqafe interviews. I am someone who does require to learn how to work with people. There are books, desteni, and eqafe. So, that is what I will be focusing on predominantly. 'How to to work with people'.. Developing relationship skills. That way it won't always feel like I am balancing plates that are stack up so high, and one false move will just ruin everything.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly blame myself for people who choose to cut/cease/end the communication with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for past relationships going wrong.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be so hard on myself for relationships not going in a way where everyone is happy

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it personally when someone choose to cut/cease/end the communication with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dwell on people people choosing to cease/end/cut of communication with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put myself through some much emotional turmoil about having made a few mistakes when it comes to relationships.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be sooooo damn hard on myself when it comes to relationships

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be so fragile about one thing going wrong in a relationship

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be upset about individuals choosing to not speak to me ever again

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for individuals choosing to not speak with me ever again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dwell on individuals not wanting to speak to me, have a friendship with me, and/or anything to do with me.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for individuals not wanting to have a friendship with me.

I forgive myself that i haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I do require/need to investigate more on who to work with people, myself, and relationships as a whole.

When and as I see myself blaming myself about how relationships went in the past - I stop and I breathe - I realize that blaming myself will not change how it happened, or bring the relationships back. All I can do is learn from those situations/events and make sure that I do not make the same steps as I did in the past.

When and as I see myself complaining about someone who has chosen not to speak to me - I stop and I breathe - I realize that it is that individuals choice to not speak with me -- I cannot force that individual to speak to me, I can just focus on me, and make sure that events/situations to not reoccur again.

I commit myself to read books, listen to eqafe interviews to help me develop relationship skills, to help me work with people.

DAY 7: The Stigma of Therapy

DAY 7: The Stigma of Therapy

The other day I was speaking on the phone with another person. They explained to me that the experiences that they were facing were too much to handle. What they were going through was really too much to handle and they required/needed outside assistance/support to help work through these points. The person had told me that they've decided to seek professional help.

When this was said to me I absolutely supported it. On that level I opened up about me going to see a psychologist to get more self-understanding. I felt a little embarrassed opening up about this to with the person and I later questioned it. It was that fear of being seen as crazy because I go see a professional.

Many people believe that professionals work with crazy people. It is not always the case. The main clients that professionals have are people who are dealing with divorce, chronic work related stressors, depression, bullying and all other kinds of events/situations where people need/require professional assistance/support with. Those who seek professional assistance/support are not crazy.

There is a stigma around psychologists too. That they're brainwashing or manipulating people. I remember a few people have called psychologists the crazy ones, and the one's require/needing help. That is not true. Psychologist's are ordinary people too. lol. Just with skills and knowledge of how to work with a different states of mind. Never underestimate them either.

I remember when I first met my psychologist. It was last year that I had needed/required assistance/support to help me work through stuff that was going on within me. I made the appointment, and I was there on the day to meet my psychologist. I had never met my psychologist before-hand so I did not know what to expect. They are all different.

When I first laid eyes on my psychologist I did not want to work with the person. The thought that came up within my mind was ''I don't want to dish my problems to someone who is in a wheel chair''. But that was whacked out of the way with commonsense. Not to define someone by their outer appearance. I couldn't base my psychologist's ability of being a professional on them being in a wheelchair. So, that immediately changed who I was going to be with this person. I would have to say ever since then and the following sessions that I have had with my psychologist have been great. It is a very enjoyable experience to talk to someone about ... anything really... I get advice and we have a few laughs. My psychologist is my professional friend. That's basically it.

All in all, the experience with the psychologist is what you make of it. It does not mean you're crazy or their is something wrong with you. It just means you're working to assist/support yourself with outside perspectives. What better way to do that then with someone who has had training to do that, and best of all, you get a better self-understanding -- as it is all about you.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being seen as a crazy person because I go see a professional.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being labelled a crazy person because I go see a professional.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel embarrassed about going to see a psychologist

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to underestimate the ability of professionals

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that only people who have severe mental issues need/require professional assistance/support.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that therapy is only for people who have mental illnesses

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that going to see a psychologist makes me a weaker person in society.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that lots of people go to see professionals for a lot of different reasons.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that seeking professional help is not a good/bad thing, it is just about getting outside self-understanding of points that one faces, and needs assistance/support with.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that seeking professional help is for more self-understanding.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that the professional assistance/support is what I make of it.

When and as I see myself being afraid to share the point of seeing a professional - I stop and I breathe - I realize that going to see a professional will help me with self-understanding on points that I would like to understand more, and that the sessions are what I make of them.

DAY 6: Subservient

DAY 6: Subservient

I have investigated where I have been living the word subservient. I began living this role from a young age. It was around the age of 11 years old. At the age of 11 was when I started being the one to care for my disabled brother. I only cared for him at night whilst the person who cared for us worked night shift. I am not sure why this person did not find a qualified babysitter and/or qualified carer but I do remember that we did not have much money coming in so that could have been why. In any case, it was me that took up the role of caring for him overnight.

It did continue through-out but only really became expectant of me when I became a teenager. There is when I started to have to give up a lot of my life to be a carer. School was not a focus in my life and when I did try focus on school I was not met with kind attitudes. So, I just became what was expectant of me. To care for my brother at the expense of my own life. This continued for many years even reaching a point where I could define myself as a slave. To get me to that point I did go through a lot of psychological abuse etc.. I got out of it when I was 18 years old... But, that was the beginning of my subservient role.

The rest of my relationships after that was doing the same thing just within a different environment. It was really all I knew. It was again done a year ago, and now just this year. I put myself in a subservience role where I start just become and living as a subservient to people. This is why most of my relationships fail.. Because I become subservient... even to a point where people begin to expect me to remain the same... To be there personal therapist, to clean their house, to be that person who does most of the work, and forget about what they want to do for themselves.

An interesting pattern that I see when I break the relationship or I do want to play that role anymore, is that control that I have given to the person over me, goes haywire. The person loses control over me, and starts going off like a raging lunatic. So - It was interesting to see this pattern existent as a result of me placing myself in that subservient position.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be subservient in relationships

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that in relationships, the level of responsibility, for the most part, is very much equal.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that being subservient in relationships opens one up to a dysfunctional relationship

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/desire to become and do everything that I am expected to do/be in relationships.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall back into old habits of being a subservient to other people to maintain relationships.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that being a subservient person is all I know how to do in relationships.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to to not see/realize/understand that I do require/need to understand more of what a relationship involves before having one.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be/become the subservient person in relationships.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that being subservient is all I am good for in relationships

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have taken on the subservient role to keep everyone else happy

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to give up on my own life by becoming this subservient role

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on what I would like for myself, what I know is best for myself to remain as a subservience role.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget who I am and what I want for myself only to replace it with a subservient role.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget myself and only want to be subservient to others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have relationships on the starting point of being subservient.