DAY 16: Obsession: Fixation

DAY 16: Obsession: Fixation

It was months ago that I had a fixation and obsessive pattern with Person A. It did die out when I was no more speaking/talking with Person A. I did not have a proper understanding of this pattern when Person A was in my life, and therefore I did not know how to really stop the thoughts. I did some writings on it back then but proved to not be able to fully stop it. I continued with the participation of the fixation and obsessive thoughts.

The way it all starts is when I begin to think about a person too much. Take Person A for example, Person A was someone in my life who did have ups and downs. They were very open with what they were going through, and sometimes I did think heavily about 'what would be best for Person A?'.. I'd think and care about Person A so much that I would think about the best directions for them in their life. I'd become an over-thinking type of person and I'd waste so much time thinking about what is best for them that I forget myself. On-top of it all, and this is something people in Desteni would get/understand, I created an idea of Person A in my mind, and I started seeing Person A as that Idea.

I did then start becoming obsessed and fixated with this idea of the person. Mixed in with care and regard for the REAL person. I was projecting my idea of someone out onto them, and becoming obsessed and fixated through the positive energy that I would get. Completely blurring reality, and the real person out of the way. Once I cannot anymore handle all the fixated and obsessive thoughts, I then want to push out Person A, and all other people/relationships because I cannot handle my mind.

You see, the obsession and fixation about certain people is never healthy. It is what drains me where I do not want relationships with people. It is a mixture of accumulated factors but the core of it is obsession, fixation, worry, and anxiety. These are not healthy in relationships with people. I've lost many relationships because of the accumulation of Mind-fuck stuff that I participate in. Person A being one of them. I've come to the conclusion that now, I am not going to have any relationships until I clear myself of these points, and work with myself a great deal more. I am not saying that I will not stop communicating with people, but the communication will always be objective, and not entirely personal. It has come to a much needed point where I have to correct my mind, learn about how to work with it, and really start making changes for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fixate on Person A so much so that I am in a constantly in my mind thinking about all the possible scenarios that could happen.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fixate and obsess about Person A to generate positive energy to feel good and to blind me from reality.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to participate in worries about Person A.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to obsess about Person A

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created an idea of Person A in simulated version of Person A in my mind to do whatever the hell I want with Person A.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to Idolize Person A in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry so much about the life events that Person A faces

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to continue participating obsessive and fixated thoughts where I can no longer stand it and end up pushing the person out of my life.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to push people out of my life to protect my obsessive and fixated thought patterns.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continue to obsess and fixate on people

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to drain myself dry by participating in obsessive and fixated thoughts.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that it is best for me to focus on myself now as I am learning to work with my mind

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that it is best that I do not seek or go after person relationships with people other than who I have in my life currently.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that it is now time to focus on myself and learn about relationships through what Desteni has on offer, so that I can learn to work with myself for future relationships with people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in fixated thoughts of the idea of Person A.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I am not ready for so many personal relationships in my life at this time.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that it is going to take some time before I am ready to have more people in my life on a personal level.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I can use the time that I have to work with myself and take it much slow when it comes to socialising with others on personal levels.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to drain myself dry through constantly worrying and over-thinking about other people's life and what is good for them.

I forgive myself that i haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I need to start thinking about what is best for me, and what would be great for me in my life.

When and as I see myself fixating and/obsessing about other people and their lives - I stop and I breathe - I realize that it is important to focus on changing myself and my own life rather than that of others, and/or expecting them to come save me or me save them.

When and as I see myself blaming others for my own state of Mind - I stop and I breathe - I realize that I am responsible for that exists within my own Mind - and if, in that moment I am experiencing the heavily blame, I walk away to go breathe it away, and not say words within blame, worry, and/or fear.

I commit myself to practice being more disciplined with breathing.

DAY 15: Obsession: Blowing Things Up Into Bigger Problems

DAY 15: Obsession: Blowing Things Up Into Bigger Problems

Watching a documentary the other day about BPD there was mention of obsessing about minor situations to a point where they become big problems. I have noticed that is seems to be what I do every single day. I see a problem in my world/reality and I'd obsess about it. I constantly think about it. Even if it is a minor little problem -- To me it is huge. To me it looks like a years worth of struggle. A minor point that does not need to be thought about, will be thought about until it becomes a problem. I think myself into problems, and I start creating problems for myself then I'll obsess over that problem until it is solved. I create a massive dilemma for myself. lol.

I can see it just adds more stress to my life. It can even be past related problems that are not happening in the present. Life isn't about creating problems for oneself like I see myself do. Problems that are so minor and do not need thought at all.

It is what happens when we constantly think about something over and over again. We give it attention to the point where it becomes big and we cannot ignore it. We know very little about how the mind works (not speaking about Desteni here) the general population we are not taught about how to work with the Mind. We are the Mind so we need to know much more about how it works. I know that by me obsessing over little minor points and problems, I screw with myself, and it is all on a mental level that involves the Mind. So, I realize that it is important to just let go of small stuff that don't even need thinking about. Not worth mental effort in anyway whatsoever. I need to make decisions about what is worth it the effort and what is not. Otherwise I am wasting a large chunk of my time obsessing over small, minor, little things that I turn into big problems that only put more pressure on myself.

I realize that I have to decide what is worth my time and effort and what is not.
I realize that the Mind is not something to just fuck around with.
I realize that I can make breathe away thoughts that I are not beneficial for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to obsess over minor little things that happen in my life to the point where I make so big where it seems so surmountable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to turn something that is not a problem into a problem

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to screw with myself by obsessing over little minor conflicts, little minor thoughts, and turning them into massive dilemmas that I go off trying/attempting to solve but end up creating more problems for myself.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to obsess over small stuff in my life.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I do not need to stress or obsess over minor little things that are not worth my time or effort.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to obsess over conflict

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blow thing out of proportion.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to add stress onto myself by sweating over the small stuff.

When and as I see myself obsessing about minor little things in my daily living - I stop and I breathe - I realize that I do not need to sweat the small/minor little things.

When and as I see myself turning a minor little thing into a big problem - I stop and I breathe - I realize that it is not worth the time nor the effort or the consequences to my body.

DAY 15: Obsession: Obsessive Thoughts

DAY 15: Obsession: Obsessive Thoughts

I've known about my tendency to become obsessed for years now. I do believe that I've defended my obsession tendency through-out those years. I have not wanted to change or take responsibility for my own obsessive points. My obsessive tendency can really take and drain a lot of me so it very much one prominent problem.

My recent secret obsession is not really that secret. I did come out many months ago about my obsession. I told two individuals about what was going on in my mind around the obsession, and I guess it wasn't identified as obsession but more defined as me liking the person and a want/desire to be with them as partner. This is actually not the case at all. The obsession is very much a symptom of the BPD.

Thoughts that lead me to start this obsession begins with not standing equal to what I find attractive in another person. Say if I see a word within them that they're living, and I do not stand equal to it, then I will constantly obsess about that one word that I see, and want to then have the person in my life with me.. So I can then have that word. But, sometimes I cannot have the person the way I want them because of a variety of factors that are considered.

So, as a result it turns into a total obsession. It consists of all the fantasies, and all the desires. It really builds up to the extent where I want to push the person out of my life. I have taken responsibility for it in the past, but I didn't look at other ways of understanding it. For example, as I said, the finding what I like about this person, and stand equal to it.

My want to push the person away happened recently. I could stand my own obsessive thoughts about the person. I wanted to push the person a little, and find reasons to push the out of my life so that my obsession stops. But that isn't the person I want to be. I know that I am trying/attempting to blame others and not take responsibility for what is coming up within my mind.


What I have realized is that it is not the person to blame for the obsession.
What I have realized is that I am responsible for my own mind
What I have realized is that I need to stand equal to what I find attractive in others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to obsess over Person A

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fantasize, in many ways, about Person A

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to stand equal to and one with what I find attractive in Person A

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/desire to push Person A out of my life, so that I do not have to take responsibility of the obsession point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame Person A for what is going in my own mind - as the thoughts that come up within me.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to find ways to push Person A into acting/behaving in ways that could be conflicting so that I can have a reason to push Person A out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep myself in a constant obsession without ever investigating what could be done to stop the obsession.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that standing equal to and one with words that I see in others, will assist/support me to gift that part of myself back to me so that I do not project any ''missing parts'' of me out onto others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have not been open and honest with Person A about what was going on within me.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to take the easy way out by pushing people out of my life

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that what comes up in me, is mine to take responsibility of.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in continuing the obsession

When and as I see myself going into fantasize about Person A - I stop and I breathe - I realize that the best way to assist/support myself and Person A is to let go of all the obsessive thoughts.

When and as I see myself feeling attracted to Person A - I stop and I breathe - I realize that whatever word that I saw in Person A, I will need to stand equal to and one with, so that I can give that part to myself.

When and as I see myself feeling attracted to anyone - I stop and I breathe - I realize that whatever word that I see in that person, I will need to stand equal to and one with, so that I can live that word, and strengthen it for myself.

DAY 14: Experience Of Break-downs

DAY 14: Experience Of Break-downs

I haven't done a great deal of research when it comes to BPD just yet. I do regularly spend time watching BPD documentaries. The documentaries have doctors explaining BPD, and people who are sharing their experience of their own BPD symptoms. Documentaries are not all. I have invested time into reading up about BPD on websites, and talking to people who have BPD. The other way I learn about BPD is paying attention to myself. There is a lot of ways to looking at the cluster of BPD symptoms.

I like looking for the commonalities. The one commonality that I hear mentioned the most is that people who are diagnosed with BPD have had traumatic events in the past. I can understand this point as I relate to it. There is another symptom that stands-out in me that I've noticed. It is the regular break-downs.

The regular break-downs are caused by past traumatic memories. The memories can come up at any time to 'haunt' a person. This can severely lead to regular break-downs and constant shock. It is like a continuance of reliving a traumatic past event that has not been dealt with or taken care of. It is the process of still trying to cope with traumatic events that has happened, and that still effect the individual even to present moment. What tends to happen, specifically with myself, is that I will try suppress it more so that I do not have to deal with, but that just creates more difficulty, and comes up later on where another break-down will happen. It will then be a constant cycle of break-downs because of the traumatic events that continuously shock myself and I pretty sure it can be the same for other individuals who constant break-downs due to past traumatic events. So, these events if not dealt with or brought the surface and worked with it, then it will be very difficult for the individual to move on from it.

It needs to be dealt with in therapy sessions and in lots of writings to help oneself get through the traumatic past events that have truly effect and traumatized an individual to the point of continuous break-downs in their own lives. I haave seen the break-downs in one other person that I was told may have BPD. This person was severely molested as a child, and still faces those traumatic events in her own life now.

I guess as a child we don't tend to understand what is going in those times. So, growing up we become more understanding of what has been done, and then we start questioning ''How could someone do that to me'', and it is in the case of most people. It feels like you're really a victim of what other people or a person has done to you in your life. Those experiences are re-lived constantly with us if we do not seek therapy and/or write about these events to help ourselves stop the constant arising, and constant reliving of trauma in our lives.

Thanks for reading.

DAY 13: Biting Off More Than I Can Chew

DAY 13: Biting Off More Than I Can Chew\

A pattern that I've noticed is my tendency to take too much on. It is a common pattern that I see in people who have Borderline Personality Disorder. I had the pleasure of meeting a young girl who is around 17 - 19 who had was diagnosed with BPD. She has had traumatic events happen in her life, and is still facing not being roofless but homeless. We work together when volunteering.

We had related a lot to what we have been through in our lives. She is staying where I had stayed when I was homeless. This place is not the best place to be and I would not recommend that a person stay there too long. This person volunteers a lot of her time to helping others, and ending being really stressed out because she's taken on too much in her life. So, the pattern is very common in people who have borderline personality disorder. It was like looking in a mirror at myself. lol.
This is why I wold like to start up a BPD support group in my city eventually... So we can just all get together and laugh at the things we get ourselves into, and spread some awareness of the symptoms itself.

Where I experience this patten is around volunteering and studies. I want to volunteer all of my time through-out the week at different organisations. This is ok because it gets me out of the house where I do not want to be most of my day. I'd have more learning experience in volunteering and learning more about myself. It is all good. However, what I did when it comes to studies, was I took ok 4 units of study and only a month + a bit to complete about 8 assessments/assignments + having to look after myself.. The studies required a lot of my time, and I didn't really have much time to complete it all. One of the reasons this pattern kept occurring in my life is because I did not think for a solution to the problem itself. When I actually thought ''What can be done here?'' I realized that I need to take it much slower with studies. I cannot take so much on when studying because it takes up the majority of my time.

What would happen when this pattern occurred in the past is I would go into blame rather than taking responsibility to look for an actual solution. That is also common among people who have BPD. I'll write about this point for my next blog

So, now I am having to start studies again next semester so that I am not biting off more than I can chew. Thankfully, it isn't costing me anything to re-start again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take off more than I chew when it comes to studies

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to select more units than I can complete in a short amount of time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take on too much work and studies at the same time when I require a balance all sphere of my life.

I forgive myself that i haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I need a healthy balance when it comes to time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put myself in a position where I am a constant work horse to the point where I am stressed out

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stress myself out by taking on too much.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to go into blame rather than looking for a real solution to the problem.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want to blame others for me taking on too much and having to let go of my diploma for this semester to continue it in January.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go back into past events to blame the current problems that I am facing where I do not take self-responsibility of the pattern in the here and now.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not think of solutions when there is a problem.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize/see/understand that I need to make sure that I have enough time before taking on too much for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel disappointed in myself for having taking on to much

I forgive myself that i haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that january is not too long away.

I forgive myself that i haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I need to take studies more slower so that I am not rushing myself and them becoming something I do not enjoy because of the time they consume.

When and as I see myself going into blaming past events and others for a problem that I face in the here and now - I stop and I breathe - I realize that I am the only that really solve the problem into a solution -- So that I can make sure that I am correcting the problem and not blaming.