DAY 18: Assistance and Support

DAY 18: Assistance and Support

Today I have an appointment with the school about receiving extra assistance/support. The appointment will be about how the BPD symptoms may impact on my studies. Making this appointment was hard for me and took some time to make. There are a bunch of factors behind why it was difficult for me.

One of those factors is fear of judgement from the person I am speaking with. I find that when I open up about my thoughts, my patterns, and what goes on within me, I fear the person judging me as 'mental'. This is why I do not often enjoy opening up, and have learned to cope with everything myself.

Another factor is fear that the other person will not believe that this is really what goes on within me. How this effects my behaviour is that then I over-do it. I feel like I have to be this sad, helpless, and nonintellectual person who needs people to bare all the weight. It is not really the case, I am very much a person who enjoys to be left alone, and do things on my own. I could spend hours a day with myself.

I do spend hours with myself. I really enjoy spending hours learning something new. I have wanted to condition myself to learning something new each hour. What I learn I want to apply in my world/reality. Somehow, getting myself condition to do that can be somewhat difficult. I have resistances that can win but I am learning to push past them. What goes on within me does not impact on my studies. What impacts on my studies is my resistances, lol. Being direct with myself here, I'd have to say that everyone goes through resistances. The common-sense approach would be to push through them. If you push then one-step closer to the goal. It is about persistence, and perseverance.

The only problem that I do find I would need assistance/support with is working/dealing with people. To be frank, my mind is sensitive.. The way it is designed, and through-out all the experiences I've had, it has become that way. It is just all about how to correct myself, and learn to work with it all. What makes it very sensitive is the way I perceive and what I project out. It can be a cluster of points together in one. But, at times what really gets me is the energetic reactions. That can be my downfall in overwhelming moments. Honestly, anyone can be stable if they learn about the functions and the way their mind works. If you pick your mind apart, you'll see how it works and functions that way it cannot fuck with you anymore. Big sigh of relief as I realize that it is possible. I know that I am going to invest a lot of my time to observing my Mind, and how it works, and functions --- It's just like getting to understand something, and as I do that, I become less afraid of it. --- Then I interested to see what is behind all the working and functionings of my Mind. If I start applying and being practical about it all, what is going to be left behind? That who am I?  OK, I went off topic...

I am not going to say that I do not need assist/support, and I am not going to say that I do. I am just going to be upfront, and say that I do have difficulties connecting with people, and my Mind is fairly sensitive at the this time. I am learning to work on changing it, and I will probably need outside assistance/support with this at times. Ahh, which reminds, I have to push myself to ask for assistance/support when I have come to a point where I cannot solve something myself. I am not a person that likes to make it easier on myself. I prefer to go the extra miles, and then if I desperately need assistance/support, then I'll ask. I am not sure if that is wrong or right... In truth, I don't know the consequences, I just like to push myself to my limits. I've for some reason found comfort in that. I don't like it to be too easy for me. I find easy is something that I do not enjoy. I've been brought up in difficult situations, and it has really been challenging. So, I have come accustomed to challenges. Again, off topic, but yeah, I am going to just be direct and honest about the what I know of my Mind so far.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what the person I will be speaking with will think of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being open and direct about issues I have with connecting with people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear people seeing me as 'mental'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have to become this sad, helpless, nonintellectual person when explaining some of the difficulties I have with my Mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear speaking about these difficulties.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear people not seeing me as someone who needs/requires assistance/support with connecting with others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear asking for assistance/support when I really need it.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to expect people to bare all the weight of me.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I am still learning how my Mind functions, operates, and am learning to deal/work with it all.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I am needing/requiring to put more time into learning about my mind so that I can work on changing it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that it will take time, but it will be a very interesting journey.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see the potential in learning about how my mind functions and operates.

When and as I see myself fearing people judging me for being open and honest about what the workings of my mind - I stop and I breathe - I realize that knowing and working on changing how the mind is fucking-with me, is very powerful and rewarding because I get to live to my utmost potential.

I commit myself to push myself to ask for assistance/support if I cannot find solutions or answers after I've gone the extra mile.

DAY 17: Healthy Boundaries

DAY 17: Healthy Boundaries

This morning was my driving lesson with my driving instructor ''Person A''. I met Person A on my first driving lessons two years ago. To make me feel comfortable he spoke about himself, and his background. It was obvious to why he was a driving instructor.

He has a lot of experience with cars. I had changed my driving instructor but now I have Person A again. I am very happy to have Person A because of his experience. What he knows is very valuable, and I can see he is very different to the other driving instructors. In this lesson today we had again spoke about our personal lives. lol. For a driving lesson you would not think that it wouldn't be so personal but because of the depth of the communication it was fairly personal. It was personal but not in a way where it wasn't professional either. It helps me to become comfortable when I am learning to drive. Talking about my personal life and his personal life makes it much more comfortable when driving. I can tell it relaxes me at times.

What I have noticed within  myself is a tendency to over-step boundaries in my Mind. Thoughts will come up that are pictures and fantasizes of being with a someone in a professional positions with me. This is very well-known in BPD. That tendency to go into that area of over-stepping the boundaries and continuance of perpetuating thoughts or fantasizes then wanting to act them out. It is why some therapists sometimes have difficulties with BPD clients.

For me, I do understand professional boundaries and their importance. I do notice that these are thoughts within myself, and should not be projected out or acted upon in any way whatsoever. The thought is very minor but here, I want to take care of this thought, and expose it. I expose it before I let it become a continuance, overpower me, something I keep within secrecy for my own energetic feel goo experiences, become possessed by, act out and start blaming my instructor for all of it. Luckily that has not happened before with someone in a professional position. But it has in a personal one.

It is always best to expose the thought even if it is only a minor one. Especially if it is one that YOU KNOW will have consequences that you don't want. The consequences in this case, obsessive thinking, creating various assumptions, projecting all of it onto someone else, and then end up blaming the other person and/or pushing them out of ones life for what I did not take responsibility for one thought that I chose to enlarge, and swirl in my Mind. So, professional boundaries are important it does not mean that one cannot talk on personal matters but just making sure that one does not allow the mind to wonder into that sex and relationship thoughts. Because that is not what people in professional positions are their for. Be more specific, keep focused on the purpose. Mine here - Is learning to drive.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to have gone into those thoughts of considering sex and relationship with my driving instructor.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to perceive that my instructor is telling me all this personal information because he wants a partnership with me

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that my driving instructor is using a 'get-to process' that is helpful for me learning to drive, and becoming comfortable with him in my presence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that working with my driving instructor is not about forming a personal relationship, but more so about building a professional friendship to assist/support me to learn to drive and to do it comfortably.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to have pictured myself and my driving instructor as very compatible to be in a relationship.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only want to have the personal conversations with my instructor rather then him guiding me, teaching me about driving, observing my where I need to improve, and sharing information about the driving test.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be more comfortable with my driving instructor talking about his personal life rather than sharing what he knows about driving.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that the purpose for my driving lesson is to learn  more about driving.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that the driving lesson is not about getting to know the depth of someone, but rather about me learning to drive.

I forgive myself that i haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that being aware of the way the conversation is going will help me to change the topic when necessary if it is too personal, and not enough on knowledge/information required for learning to drive.

When and as I see myself going into sex an relationship thoughts about my driving instructor - I stop and I breathe - I realize that the purpose of me going to these lessons is to learn to drive, perfecting my driving skills, and become more comfortable within the expression of driving.

I commit myself to be aware of the way the conversation is going and to change it to assist/support myself to keep it above the surface level so that I can assist/support my learning.