DAY 12: All Or Nothing Thinking

DAY 12: All Or Nothing Thinking

All Or Nothing Thinking/Black and White thinking.

This is one symptom of BPD that I have noticed in me when working with people. It does not come out with people at my Volunteer jobs but a person that I am working with to go into a personal development course. I get into a state where I start to want everything to hurry up, and I go into an eagerness to want the whole process to move faster. As it doesn't go as fast as I want it to I do have lots of backchat about the other person.

The all or nothing thinking comes to play here. The all or nothing backchat. It is triggered when I feel like someone is holding me back. I would be in such a hurry to get out of the situation with the person and be in my personal development course where I do not have to work with the person as I feel like they hold me back and are against me in that thought.

The way it manifests in my behaviour is through constantly wanting everything to move faster. To hurry the other person to get what needs to be done.. done so I can move closer to going into my person development course. I do really get eager about it, and if the process is not going at my pace then I just want to get rid of the individual. It causes a bit of conflict between me and the other person.

I'd really work myself into the state as I get so impatient. I'd start complaining about the other person being to slow, and imagine being in my personal development course without having to be in the situation. As I imagined it I felt at ease.

This individual has been working with me through it all. I've come to realize that the person is not against me. I'd not believe much of what the person would say and just believe mostly what the backchat that was coming up. But as a due consequence of behaviour about 2 days ago, I am realizing had I listened to the individual, and applied what this person said, then I may not have said or did what I had done.

This individual is really encouraging for me in my process so it is very important to me to know that someone does believe in me and see's that I do have it within me.

I've realized that it is important to listen and take consideration of what this individual says to me.

It is what happens when we start to believe backchat that comes up in our minds. It can mentally consume us that ends up manifesting out in certain behaviours that can up being consequential. I am very lucky and fortunate that this individual is willing to stick with me and work with me for my process. That is very important and I am now ready to listen more. .

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that this individual is against me and holding me back from getting into the personal development course.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that this individual is working with me to be able to go into my personal development course.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have not listened or considered this individual's words which could have potentially helped, assisted/supported me and prevented me from making more consequences for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to listen more to what my backchat is saying

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the backchat ''I can't wait to get out of this situation and continue on with my personal development course'' to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to complain about the other individual's pace when working with me

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to be patient about moving into the course

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have to backchat about this individual being against me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume that this individual is against me when the obvious is that the person is with me working with me and helping me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disregard what this individual was saying to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rush this individual

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/desire to cut this individual out of my life because of feeling like I am being held back

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that this individual was trying to slow me down.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to misinterpret what this individual mean't when saying slow down.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to listen to my all or nothing backchat

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe my all or nothing backchat

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that this individual is working with me not against me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have paranoid thoughts about this individual being against me and holding me back

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine being without the assistance/support in my personal development course.

When and as I see myself having all or nothing backchat - I stop and I breathe - I realize that the individual is working with me to assist/support me to help me go into my personal development course not to sabotage it or go against me.

When and as I see myself going into this eager and impatient state - I stop and I breathe - I realize that It doesn't matter how slow we/I go, We/I will get there and it will be worthwhile.

DAY 11: Difficulties Trusting Myself

DAY 11: Difficulties Trusting Myself

I am working to move situation X in the direction that I want it to go in. To move situation x into that direction I've had to work with people. It has not been easy for me to work with people around Situation X, and I do have difficulties still with it. One big difficulty is the difference of pace.

My day-to-day living pace is a fairly fast pace. I get what I need doing out of the way as quick as possible. I am like this at my work too. I like to move problems into solutions very quickly where this is not more a problem existent. When there is a problem I tend to stress out about it until it is moved into the solution.

I'll find all sorts of ways to solve the problem even if I am pushing myself to my limits. If I have to leap over large obstacles that are in my way then I'll have to do it. This is in the case of problems that effect me on a great extent. Other problems that are not that big of a deal, I just leave them until I have time to do them.

Situation X has been one of the large ones for me. I've wanted to solve Situation X for years but have had to depend on other people to assist/support me in moving Situation X into the direction that is most preferable for me. This has not been very easy for me to do.

It has not been very easy because I do consider myself a very independent person. I like doing everything on my own with little dependency on another individuals. In the past when I was very dependent on people they've always backstabbed, betrayed and expected something in-return for the help they've given me. There is multiple factors to why I do not really enjoy being dependent on people. I am the type to just want to be the one to assist/support myself because I feel like I cannot trust people as results of past experiences.

It is not just the other person I cannot trust. What I have learned of myself so far is that I do have a very sensitive mind. My reactions are a lot more intense then others, and I am learning how to work with that. But as my sensitive mind I can be gullible to my own emotions/feelings. If people knew that about me I do think that I'd be very easy target for them. It is something I rarely show, unless it comes out in a way where it's expressed but not shown from the intensity of the feeling/emotion itself. Therefore, sometimes I find it very hard to trust myself. I am very particular about who I work with because of that. Not just for the safety of them but for myself. That is from the personal sides to it.

If I am working with someone in a work environment then it is entirely different. I am not needing/requiring to be personal or talk much about my personal life. It is like I am safe under the blanket of the role I am to maintain. Nothing is really that personal. There is cases where I can talk about myself but on such a surface level that I am not showing me. I can word it in a way where it is not in-depth and remain a positive outlook. Which can give the past a positive glow rather than the actual experiences I've had which were not very easy.

With Situation X my way of wanting to work was in such a way where I do not need/require to be personal but still could be personal just at my decided level. There were ways where I could just simply keep my blanket on where I need not show myself enough to form a connection or bond. To some, it may sound very self-sabotaging but for me and the many past experiences it has helped me through a lot of situations.


The more I progress in solving Situation X I am to go through more stuff to solve it. One of the new ones now is that I am to form communication with a person who is to assist/support me with my writings, and then with my course. So, solving situation X is about forming communication and opening myself up to receiving assistance/support with my writings. Now, it is just about trusting when working with the person so that I can make sure that past event/situations do not reoccur.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being somewhat dependent on another individual for support in my process

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having to communicate on personal matters with another person who is to support me in process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/desire to sabotage the point of communication by only keep it on a level where I am still able to hide myself, and not have to form any type of communication other than what we discuss about the writings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being back-stabbed again

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being betrayed again

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I can work on building trust with myself so that the chances of being back-stabbed, and betrayed are at minimal risk.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that the individual I'll be working with is there for support.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel upset about having to work with someone without having the course material to speak about.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear myself being gullible.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I can determine what I do with the assistance/support.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume people who are working with me on Situation X are out to get me rather than in the best interest of assistance/support.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the blanket that I use to hide myself slipping off of me and revealing most of my very sensitive mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that I can take responsibility for my sensitive mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my sensitive mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my intense emotions/feelings

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear past experiences happening all over again.