I am working to move situation X in the direction that I want it to go in. To move situation x into that direction I've had to work with people. It has not been easy for me to work with people around Situation X, and I do have difficulties still with it. One big difficulty is the difference of pace.
My day-to-day living pace is a fairly fast pace. I get what I need doing out of the way as quick as possible. I am like this at my work too. I like to move problems into solutions very quickly where this is not more a problem existent. When there is a problem I tend to stress out about it until it is moved into the solution.
I'll find all sorts of ways to solve the problem even if I am pushing myself to my limits. If I have to leap over large obstacles that are in my way then I'll have to do it. This is in the case of problems that effect me on a great extent. Other problems that are not that big of a deal, I just leave them until I have time to do them.
Situation X has been one of the large ones for me. I've wanted to solve Situation X for years but have had to depend on other people to assist/support me in moving Situation X into the direction that is most preferable for me. This has not been very easy for me to do.
It has not been very easy because I do consider myself a very independent person. I like doing everything on my own with little dependency on another individuals. In the past when I was very dependent on people they've always backstabbed, betrayed and expected something in-return for the help they've given me. There is multiple factors to why I do not really enjoy being dependent on people. I am the type to just want to be the one to assist/support myself because I feel like I cannot trust people as results of past experiences.
It is not just the other person I cannot trust. What I have learned of myself so far is that I do have a very sensitive mind. My reactions are a lot more intense then others, and I am learning how to work with that. But as my sensitive mind I can be gullible to my own emotions/feelings. If people knew that about me I do think that I'd be very easy target for them. It is something I rarely show, unless it comes out in a way where it's expressed but not shown from the intensity of the feeling/emotion itself. Therefore, sometimes I find it very hard to trust myself. I am very particular about who I work with because of that. Not just for the safety of them but for myself. That is from the personal sides to it.
If I am working with someone in a work environment then it is entirely different. I am not needing/requiring to be personal or talk much about my personal life. It is like I am safe under the blanket of the role I am to maintain. Nothing is really that personal. There is cases where I can talk about myself but on such a surface level that I am not showing me. I can word it in a way where it is not in-depth and remain a positive outlook. Which can give the past a positive glow rather than the actual experiences I've had which were not very easy.
With Situation X my way of wanting to work was in such a way where I do not need/require to be personal but still could be personal just at my decided level. There were ways where I could just simply keep my blanket on where I need not show myself enough to form a connection or bond. To some, it may sound very self-sabotaging but for me and the many past experiences it has helped me through a lot of situations.
The more I progress in solving Situation X I am to go through more stuff to solve it. One of the new ones now is that I am to form communication with a person who is to assist/support me with my writings, and then with my course. So, solving situation X is about forming communication and opening myself up to receiving assistance/support with my writings. Now, it is just about trusting when working with the person so that I can make sure that past event/situations do not reoccur.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being somewhat dependent on another individual for support in my process
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having to communicate on personal matters with another person who is to support me in process.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/desire to sabotage the point of communication by only keep it on a level where I am still able to hide myself, and not have to form any type of communication other than what we discuss about the writings.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being back-stabbed again
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being betrayed again
I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I can work on building trust with myself so that the chances of being back-stabbed, and betrayed are at minimal risk.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that the individual I'll be working with is there for support.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel upset about having to work with someone without having the course material to speak about.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear myself being gullible.
I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I can determine what I do with the assistance/support.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume people who are working with me on Situation X are out to get me rather than in the best interest of assistance/support.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the blanket that I use to hide myself slipping off of me and revealing most of my very sensitive mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that I can take responsibility for my sensitive mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my sensitive mind
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my intense emotions/feelings
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear past experiences happening all over again.
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