My relationships with people in the past have not always ended on good terms. Most of them have just ended in ways where there is nothing one can do to save it or rebuild it. The relationships do not just end because of my responsibility it but also the other persons responsibility, and given the nature of the conflict.In my friendships with people I always make sure that I am of assistance/support to the best of my ability. I do not deliberately try/attempt to hurt people or even want conflict to arise in friendship and/or relationships. In the past it really has been just a one conflicting moment defining the whole entire friendship. It could come from my end or the other person's end. Some people have chosen to just not speak with because I had decided to go a different direction in life. Where I had not really done anything all that wrong but a decision to just cease being friends is made by the person. When I see this happen I seem to take it personally.
When people cease communicating with me or block me I take it very personally. I question why this or why that. I go back to look at who/how I've been towards them, and sometimes I just see someone who is being very assistive/supportive. What I find is that I am happy with who I have been with people who choose to cut me off. I start to look at things i've done, and who I have been through-out the friendship. The goods by far, out weigh the bads.
I would often just beat myself down, blame myself, and be upset about relationships going down the drain. But, all in all, when I go back through memories, I do see that I've done the best I could in the situations/events that I had been facing. Even in events where I needed/required assistance/support... I did my best with what I knew during those time to get the assistance/support I needed/required, and when it comes to friendship it's the same.
Dealing with relationships are by far the hardest situations I've been in. What people do not know about me when they meet me is my history. My history only starts to come out later on in the friendship. When I meet people I would beautify my past and make it seem less severe then it was. I do not like sharing my history because it does have a lot of nitty gritty so it is sometimes left unsaid.
Some people do not necessarily need to know my past but knowing the past may give some understanding as to why I am the way I am. Even for me to look back at my past, and to find out how I got to being where I am is interesting to look at. First and foremost, is that I am still new to relationships. I have only been socialising with people outside of my family for 5 years. I have only been in the system for 5 years.
In these 5 years I have had to get over a lot of fears and phobias of people to just start socialising. The people I lived with for most of my life did not give much of a great development process that would help me in life, and so that had also caused a lot of effects. 5 years ago I knew nothing about how the different systems in the world operated.... I did not even know that Universities existed... I had no prior education... I learned to read and write on virtual chat sites, and had the vocabulary of gamer. Entering the system and relationships without any real valuable skills at all.... Hasn't been very fun. Bound to make a hell of a lot of mistakes, and most detrimental to my own life. On top of that.... Yes, there is more, on-top of that it has I experience a nasty break-down that was contributed by a lot of actors, but even then I still have to through it, alone.... But wait there's more.. then I get diagnosed with BPD... I end up homeless due to being mentally unstable, and then I lose the most valuable thing in my life that turns my life at a 180... All down hill from there..
Through-out all that having to deal with myself, and of course, survival.. the system.. hasn't been easy.
So, when people cut-off from me I should not take it personally. I do have to cut myself a lot of slack because of my history. I know my history but they never did. In that regard, you know. I am beginning to realize that I am learning, and some relationships are going to end, some are going flourish.. It just depends on who I am, and who the other person is.
What else will assist/support is the eqafe interviews. I am someone who does require to learn how to work with people. There are books, desteni, and eqafe. So, that is what I will be focusing on predominantly. 'How to to work with people'.. Developing relationship skills. That way it won't always feel like I am balancing plates that are stack up so high, and one false move will just ruin everything.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly blame myself for people who choose to cut/cease/end the communication with me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for past relationships going wrong.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be so hard on myself for relationships not going in a way where everyone is happy
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it personally when someone choose to cut/cease/end the communication with me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dwell on people people choosing to cease/end/cut of communication with me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put myself through some much emotional turmoil about having made a few mistakes when it comes to relationships.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be sooooo damn hard on myself when it comes to relationships
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be so fragile about one thing going wrong in a relationship
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be upset about individuals choosing to not speak to me ever again
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for individuals choosing to not speak with me ever again.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dwell on individuals not wanting to speak to me, have a friendship with me, and/or anything to do with me.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for individuals not wanting to have a friendship with me.
I forgive myself that i haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I do require/need to investigate more on who to work with people, myself, and relationships as a whole.
When and as I see myself blaming myself about how relationships went in the past - I stop and I breathe - I realize that blaming myself will not change how it happened, or bring the relationships back. All I can do is learn from those situations/events and make sure that I do not make the same steps as I did in the past.
When and as I see myself complaining about someone who has chosen not to speak to me - I stop and I breathe - I realize that it is that individuals choice to not speak with me -- I cannot force that individual to speak to me, I can just focus on me, and make sure that events/situations to not reoccur again.
I commit myself to read books, listen to eqafe interviews to help me develop relationship skills, to help me work with people.
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